Poetry

I was inspired to craft this poem after reflecting on my time with bang ban.

Ban Ban Bang Money Train
by The Money Train

Crash, bang, whimper
My baby's got a temper
Burn, burn, where does it burn?
You ask, but you can't tell
You tell, but you can't tell
If only
Once, twice
Social networking all at once
Cover your ears
His heart is shaped like a leaf
A leaf floats through the air
Burn, burn, where does it burn?
Oh god, down there it burns
Underneath the dying light
His heart does beat from this flying flight
Emotions in my face
Hit on the head with a knowledge bomb
It hurts
Ow, my Pride
David Ortiz
Dan Duquette

MATHAMAGATICS!

Do this math problem without scrolling down for the answer:

5
+11
-33
-33
x3
+4
-9
x13
+2000
+2000
-90
+114
+1




What does that equal?







The answer to the problem?





2010! Why do this excercise? Choose your own Adventure!

1) I am female
2) I am male








1) I just needed a reason to distract you so I could unhook your bra.




2) MATH IS FUN ISN'T IT?!?!?!?

ban-ban-bang Money Train

Your #1 source for ban-ban-bang Money Train!

Secrets of Bang-Ban Series: Part 1 - Search Engine Optimization

Dear Internet User,

Regardless of how you got here, or how many times you've been here, you are all probably wondering this: how is it that Bang-Ban is so popular while my e-website languishes in some dark corner of the blogotruck? What is their secret? Why do computers no longer beep when they're upset?

In the spirit of open knowledge, I've decided to start the Secrets of Bang-Ban Series to help answer these AND OTHER questions. You will get an inside look into the behind-the-scenes secret-backdoor-password-protected-clandestine-invisible-woman part of Bang-Ban and your brain will probably get much bigger or something.

Part 1 is about Search Engines.

Here is the list of keywords that have led people to Bang-Ban. Let us analyze it together.

Note: This is real and very secret so be careful when discussing this in public or in private.

1. I have no idea.

2., 3. For some reason we are the only website still talking about Dan Duquette.

4. Birds and shit

5. Some one was looking for real information and was cruelly misled

6. Self-explanatory

11., 12., 13., 17. People don't know how to operate their browser

7., 9., 10., 14. Porn related. This is no accident.

16. Fucking awesome

18., 20. I forget

19. I don't get it

21. TOP SECRET.

The end. You're welcome.

Chapter 7, it is.

Well, here is chapter 7. I have implanted those brain slug things from the Wrath of Khan in it. So you should probably listen to it as soon as possible. I need someone to get me a soda.


Chapter 7



PS There is a good chance that there may be a bit of a lull until the next chapter. I have only recorded through chapter 7 so now it's all about how motivated I am...

Excuses for not Posting

There hasn't been many posts lately. This is everybody's excuse. (Note: I am only finishing this post because the Money Train called me out)

Thorsberg

Physics lab at which he works produced a toxic batch of physics. It is now his job to either clean up or turn into a super hero.

Ferd

Too much free time to post, brain overwhelmed by lack of structure. Trying to learn how to cook a mean Grouse.

Money Train

"I AM Posting. I am the ONLY one posting. You guys do nothing. Why does no one listen to my audio book. I am a tool. I quit and am going to start a rival blog about sports and being a tool."

His Fingers Would Be So Cold.

Check out David Ortiz on baseball-reference.com. bang-ban is blowing up.

I Would Just Like to Point Out...

...That on 11/30/2009 ferd started a draft of a post entitled, "Excuses for not posting".

Chapter 6 & Exciting New News!

You may have noticed a change in the way we are presenting Times of Tension or Welcome to the Pre-Apocalyptic Wasteland. We here at bang ban were able to convince the author that his work is so important that it needs to be saved for future generations. To this end TOTOWTTPAW has been uploaded to archive.org.

We will continue to provide links and embed the audio into the blog for your pleasure, but if you fall behind or want to download a zip file with all of the chapters or download the couple of chapters you missed you can go to the archive.org page via this link: http://www.archive.org/details/TimesOfTensionOrWelcomeToThePre-apocalypticWasteland

OR you can simply go to archive.org and use the search engine. The TOTOWTTPAW page also has a playlist containing each of the chapters available so far so you can listen straight through without having to click on each chapter (as you would have to on the blog). Also, if you feel like leaving a glorious review you can do so.

Anyways, down to business. Here is Chapter 6.

Bang Ban's Super Bang Bang Halloween Party!

Join us on October 31st, 2009 at 8PM for bang ban's Super Bang Bang Halloween Party! We are very excited for the thirteenth annual bang ban halloween party, which will be held in the old giant warehouse down the street due to the massive demand in previous years. We are going to deck out the place and have hired the worlds foremost goat impersonators as well as the worlds foremost human impersonators. The human impersonators are themselves goats.

As in previous years this party ends when the last person leaves. The music will keep pumping and the dancing will keep getting sweatier until the warehouse is cleared out. Free food will be available and everyone is entitled to one free drink.

We have hired Moby to lay down some badass beats for THE ENTIRE TIME! He cost a buttload, but you have come to expect a certain level of quality from the bang ban Super Bang Bang Halloween Party.

Also, remember to bring a towel because there are going to be bubble machines throughout the warehouse and multiple mud wrestling pits. Feel free to wash yourself off in the coed showers afterwards.

We have purchased a high definition project which will throw up a 200 foot picture on the wall. What will we be watching? A preview of the splinternet.

So come on down and check it out. You ain't never been to a party like this. And remember, you won't be allowed in without a goat costume.

Goat or man? They are very good.

UPDATE - 12/2/2009: Due to a technical error this invite was not sent out until today. We at Bang Ban regret this mistake. Thorsberg, ferd and I had a good time even if we were the only non goat impersonating humans there (including Moby).

Chapter 5

Sometimes I worry about bear attacks. Here is chapter 5.

Chapter 5

A Special Holiday Treat: Chapter 4

Please enjoy this chapter carefully. This product should only be ingested through your ears.

Chapter 4

Chapter 3 AND an Exciting Offer!

First of all, the latest chapter of TOTOWTTPAW is available below:


Chapter 3




But there is more...We at bang ban have been in talks with the author and he is willing to provide three great packages that we are thrilled to be able to offer to you.

1. The Super - After the conclusion of the entire release of TOTOWTTPAW through the exclusive release with bang ban you will receive a CD version of the entire story with special audio commentary not available anywhere else. This package costs a mere $5.


2. The Deluxe - Along with the exclusive CD this package contains a paper copy of TOTOWTTPAW including the brand new foreword created for the audio book. This package will only put you back $10.


3. The Super Deluxe - You will receive everything available in the Super and the Deluxe as well as a paper copy of TOTOWTTPAW signed by the author himself. Personalizations are welcome. You will also receive copies of original notes written by the author. This gives you a unique look into the creative mind. If this still isn't enough, if you order this package each chapter will be available to you before it is available to the general public through bang ban. All this for a scant $15.

If you are interested in purchasing any of these packages you can email the author directly at adamjayperry@gmail.com with the subject, "TOTOWTTPAW".

Times of Tension or Welcome to the Pre-Apocalyptic Wasteland THE AUDIOBOOK!

You've all been waiting and waiting for something new, something fresh, something with a little punch. Well wait no longer because for the first time ever the critically acclaimed Adam Perry fable, Times of Tension or Welcome to the Pre-Apocalyptic Wasteland is being released as an audiobook containing an all new foreword written by the author. Adam Perry reads the story himself, bringing to life the tale that we have all grown so fond.

Today we are releasing the foreword as well as Chapter 1 and Chapter 2. Check back frequently to hear further chapters as we will be uploading them periodically.

Foreword

Chapter 1




Chapter 2

Just Hold On A Little Longer

Hello everyone. We know November has been a slow month for bang ban. We just wanted to let everyone know that we are working on something new that will be well worth the wait. We don't want to give away anymore information, but check back in the next few days for some new goodies. In the meantime you can enjoy this picture:

Bang-Ban Wisdom #3

In the land of the blind the man with one eye is king, but in the land of the deaf everyone can tell he's creepy looking.

shiiiiiiii

--IMPORTANT NEWS--

ferd is gone so it's time to ruin the blog again. Does the picture below make you uncomfortable? It makes me uncomfortable. You shouldn't be able to find stock photos this disturbing. I did though. I was looking for a random photo and the first query I made was for "fighting couples". What do you think this means? Do the people below look like a couple? I don't think domestic abuse is funny. Why is there a stock photo for domestic abuse? He better holster that gun. Things could get out of hand quick in his state of mind and he could do something he will regret. If you stare at the woman long enough does it look like the woman is enjoying it? I think she is a little. Just look at her face and it will eventually look like she is laughing. It's like that drawing where it's a duck if you look at it one way and a rabbit if you look at it another. I hope you all enjoy your weekend.

Bang Ban Wisdom #2

"You love sports, gambling, and horses, but not to excess."

- true statement from a fortune cookie.

Bang-Ban Wisdom #1

GOING FOR BROKE IS EASY IF YOU ARE BROKE

Area Woman Admits She Doesn't Know How to Watch TV, Movies

Fairfax, VA - For the last 30 years, Lois Whitaker has been forced to hide her shame, that she never learned how to watch television.

Whitaker's life of secrecy started at an early age. Raised in an affluent community with a strong school system, Whitaker was taught at an early age how to learn and be entertained by newspapers and books. It wasn't until she received a scholarship to UCLA that she realized that she didn't know how to watch TV.

"I was invited to a friend's dorm room the first week of classes, and I was totally surprised to see them watching television. Although I had never seen one, I had seen pictures and read about them in magazines like TV guide and Entertainment Weekly," said Whitaker. "I couldn't understand what they were watching, but from their reactions, I knew when to groan or laugh along with everyone else. I couldn't watch television, but I could read people."

Graduating with a double major in History and Germanic languages, Whitaker was able to hide her shame throughout college, but Whitaker says that in the last few years her problem was gotten worse. "It got to the point where I was sneaking newspapers into people's homes when I was invited over, because I was worried we'd end up watching a movie or TV show after dinner. If the lights went down for a movie, I'd try to sit behind everyone or take a long trip to the bathroom to read the business section," said Whitaker. That's when she finally sought help.

Last year, Whitaker admitted her secret to her closest friend, Sheila Thompson. The two arranged a method where Thompson would TiVo the previous night's shows, watch them, and then sit with Whitaker and explain what was going to happen while watching the episode. "When Sheila started explaining the TV shows, it all started to make sense. Those people on the screen were just like us, except with super-powers, laughing audiences, and over-the-top libidos."

Just last week, Lois Whitaker went to the movie theater for the first time on her own. "I could understand what was going on: what the main character was seeing and feeling and why he wanted to make that factory explode." Nowadays, Ms. Lois Whitaker is finally living life to the fullest, watching an average of 10 hours of TV a day. "Now I can finally see the television, not as something to fear, but rather something that can show me the latest celebrity gossip, stupid animal tricks, and 5-hour marathons of Gilmore Girls."

The Nielsen Rating center estimates that upwards of five American citizens don't know how to watch television or movies, but with recent education efforts, Nielsen thinks they get that number down to four by 2015.

Preview of the Splinternet

In order to free ourselves from the king of the internet we here at bang ban are currently working on developing the next vehicle for social media…the splinternet! This is for those among us who enjoy freedom and awesome shit. Is that you? Or is that me? Or is that us? Or is that some sort of group of the previous questions? I love freedom and thus you will all be able to get a sneak peek into what lies ahead for you and your mama and everybody on this world.

Key features of the splinternet:

1. Face recognition technology. A webcam will be needed on every monitor for those that will be using the splinternet. This is so our patented technology can determine exactly who is masturbating and when. This information will be compiled and used to the advantage of its creators. There will be many graphs and charts created with names and pictures of people in the middle of the act so mothers, co-workers and creepjobs can always know that you are defiling your body.
   
2. Super Twitter. At the bottom of your monitor will be a bar showing everyone’s tweets from everyone’s account at once. If there is more than one person at a time using Twitter then each tweet will be shown on top of each other. Each tweet is updated every 0.5 seconds. Super Twitter = Super Social.
   
3. More random pictures. Sure you think the internet has increased our ability to see random fucking shit we never thought we would ever see when we were young lads and ladies. On the splinternet you will not need a keyboard because we will control what you need to see. This will include seemingly random pictures of the following:
   a. War
   b. Sex
   c. Animals
   d. Mythical Creatures
   e. Harps
   f. Harpoons
   g. Ducks with Harpoons in them
   h. Infinity
   i. Double Jumps
   j. Great Apes
   k. Phegstars
   
4. Ultra Twitter. To use the splinternet you will need special speakers to handle Ultra Twitter. These are seemingly normal speakers except you are unable to adjust the volume levels. Also, volume levels are always set at as high as the speaker can handle. When you are on the splinternet Ultra Twitter is always active. Ultra Twitter reads every tweet that is created out loud sending them through the specially made splinternet speakers to your ears. Ultra Twitter = Ultra Social.
   
5. Sports. At the top of the screen will be a bar that will take up the top half of the screen. This is called your Sports Properload Bar. In this space you will watch every sporting event that is currently on any form of media that is currently being watched by anyone in the world. Each event gets smaller on your screen as more events are taking place. This is great for those of you who are into fantasy Lithuanian pig fighting.
   

So that’s about it. Our lives are about to get way more social. If you want to see this happen send us $2 or something. You can reach us at the following address: bang ban, Main St., United States of America, Earth

This is what we believe a young woman enjoying the splinternet would look like.

This is what we believe a young man enjoying the splinternet would look like.

Bicycles!!!!

Congratulations, hippy! You got a bike. This means you either took money from your organic co-op's weed fund, or one of your more successful friends took pity on you. Regardless of who you stole it from, this bike marks a new chapter in your life. You undoubtedly have questions, and since you are most likely under house arrest in your barn-cum-industrial-loft, I will provide you with all of the information you need right here.

You are probably wondering, what now? Well, the first, most obvious first step would be to ride it. Haha, Slow the fuck down you hairy man-ape! Before you sully your two-wheeled girlfriend with the dirt of the road and your blood, you need to work on your image. You can start by telling all of your friends that you now are a cyclist, and find their car dependent opulence disgusting. Make sure to link their lifestyles to the Exxon Valdez oil spill, or at the very least, the Boston Molasses Disaster. Once you have sufficiently shamed them into hating you forever, it is now time to concentrate on your outward appearance.

There are only two types of people who ride bikes, homosexual businessman, and broke hippy losers. Since we have established that you fall into the latter category, we will dress you accordingly. This will be exceedingly simple since you probably have the pieces required currently on your person. Your flannel shirt? Roll up the sleeves. Your pants? Cut them three inches above the knee. Holy shit, you look fantastic, no one will want to hit you with their car at all!

Now you are ready to ride. Pedal to go forward, and try not to hit anything because it or you will die.

THE END.

The Official Flag of the bang ban Liberation Army

With this flag flying over our heads we are going to free ourselves from the opression of the king of the internet. Join us in 2011 on the splinternet.

(No SSubbjjeecctt)

What's the deal with fish tacos?

YETI ATTACK!

Welcome II

The second rule of Burrito Town

always present burrito with two hands before consumption.

Things Animals Would Say To Each Other

I am excited to introduce a new segment I like to call Things Things Would Say To Each Other! Let's get into it.

Today's topic: Animals

Bear to Bee:

"If you sting me, Ima fuckin' eat your house."

Figure 1: Bear about to eat a house

Deer to another Deer:

"Faster! Faster, Bambi! Don't look back! Keep running! Keep running!"

Figure 2: The hunter's point of view. BAM!

Giraffe to Titmouse:
"Really?"

Figure 3: Giraffe asking the question, "Really?"

Rabbit to Deer:
"'Eating greens is a special treat, It makes long ears and great big feet. But it sure is awful stuff to eat.' I made that last part up myself."

Figure 4: That line sounds so much creepier with this picture attached.

Fox to Titmouse:

"No, seriously, really?"

Figure 5: Fox trying to understand where the name comes from by looking at it from different angles.

Sperm Whale to Blue Whale:
"Cheer up buddy, at least you aren't shaped like a refrigerator box."

Figure 6: Sperm whale in its natural habitat. The ocean.

Yet Another Random Animal to Titmouse:
"You don't look anything like I expected...or hoped for."

Figure 7: Titmouse not looking like what I dreamed about last night.

Cat to Dog:
"Meow."

Figure 8: Cat speaking in its native tongue.

Bear to Human:
"If you sting me, Ima fuckin' eat your house."

Figure 9: Bear about to eat YOUR house. Watch out, dick.

Bang-Ban's Bang Bang Fighting Guide

You've all been waiting...

Now here it is...

The Bang-Ban Bang Bang Fighting Guide to Ultimate Fighting Power (Part 1 of a fucking billion)

Many people nowadays find themselves in situations in which they need to fight. Whether it is fighting off potential suitors, or fighting your emotions, fighting ability has scientifically been proven to be four-thousand times more necessary now than 12 months ago.

The problem is, with computers and Vespas, the average American citizen has become so complacent that they could not even fight a subpoena. BUT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE AN AMERICAN CITIZEN.

Fig 1. A strangle hold

BASIC RULES

There are 3 important rules to fighting, and 4 rules that are not important. We will go over a mix of these rules.

Fig 2. Possible fighting haircuts

RULE #1 TO FIGHTING

Never back down from a fight unless you could get punched in the face and/or crotch.

RULE #2 TO FIGHTING

Never fight in self defense, that is the greatest sign of weakness.

RULE #3 TO FIGHTING

Don't just beat your enemy physically, dazzle them.

RULE #4 TO FIGHTING

Sometimes, talking about fighting takes more strength than actually fighting.

FIGHTING STYLES

The best way to find a fighting style is to pick an animal. What does it do? What are its fears? Who does it fraternize with? If you have no real-life examples, just make a best guess. Knowledge is not necessary for sweet fighting skills. Here are some examples if you are really stupid.

Bear Style

Fight campers by sitting on their tents and eating their garbage

Fig 3. Putting armor on animals makes them randy

Wolf Style

Fuck yes, good style, wolfs are fucking awesome and they are so cool.

Tiger Style

DON'T FIGHT YOU ARE ENDANGERED

MORE TO COME. STAY POWERFUL!

Horoscopes for Friday 8/21

Leo

Summer becomes Fall, and a young boy's fancy turns to love. You have a strong connection with Gemini. Go out and get 'em, tiger.


Sagittarius

Mars is in retrograde, so your professional troubles may be turning themselves around. Look for opportunities that you might have missed.


Aries

Mars is in retrograde, so friendships strengthened now will be stronger than ever. Call up that old boyfriend/girlfriend whose heart you broke and rekindle that friendship. You will be welcomed with open arms.


Taurus

Mars is in retrograde, so sell those bond futures and invest in pork bellies. I guarantee a 200% increase in 3/4ths of your portfolio within 8 months.


Gemini

Look out! Tiger attack!


Cancer

You have a continual need to be challenged so don't be afraid to make a change at work. You are adventurous but be careful not to crowd your partner. You are compatible with a Dragon or a Horse and are incompatible with a Goat or an Ox.


Born Today

Be careful of audacity. Just as your recent success does not give you free reign to break the rules at work, similarly, just because it's your birthday does not mean you get a special horoscope. You're a Leo. Deal with it. Also, there will be a nice cake waiting for you today.

My Glorious Return From Greece is Complete. This is how it went.

kill yo phone

Motha fuckas guide to killin yo phone

STEP ONE:

FIND YO PHONE

STEP TWO:

KILL YO PHONE

bitch

Movie Spoilers!

The statute of limitations on movie spoilers is 29 years after the movie has been released. Here are movie spoilers for movies made before 1990. (WARNING: spoilers ahead!)

Steel Magnolias


- It turns out that Sarah is the cyber-techno hacker that everyone has been talking about. By masking all her IPs simultaneously, she was able to hide from the E-Police. In the end, Sarah commits suicide by jumping into a vat of acid and Dr. Zarket reveals that her locket holds the key to curing the mutated frogs on the international space station.



The Great Gatsby


-It was Prof. Plum in the drawing room with the lead pipe.

A spoiler for this movie was written by the great prophet F. Scott Fitzgerald in 1925, 49 years before the release of the film. In fact, Fitzgerald wrote many such famous movie spoilers until his death in 1926, when he was burned at the stake by the local townspeople for witchcraft.



The Graduate



He Graduates.

Boy, George!

George Washington's birthday is February 22nd. To commemorate his birthday, here's a picture of George Washington I found.


Fig. Newton: A portrait of George Washington immediately after he won the Battle of Hastings. Here, he is depicted as regal and elegant, wearing the colors that would become symbolic of America and freedom. In this picture, he is seen carrying some weird dude on his back against his will.


The $1,000,000 bill was created in an effort to pay Bill Gates' salary. However, he immediately denounced the bill when he realized that most strip clubs couldn't make change.

Swan Boats

People pay good money to ride a boat that shares some features in common with a swan. This business model almost failed after The Great Swanning of 1812 caused public backlash against swans.



The swan was not arbitrarily chosen as swans are the purest form of fuel known to mankind, and it is their burning flesh that fuels the furnace of each ship.



It is a well known fact that burning five swans releases the same amount of energy as a nuclear bomb. In a famous stroke of brilliance, it was Einstein who first suggested that we drop a bevy of swans on the Red Menace. It was only the extreme jealously that Oppenheimer and Bohr experienced when Einstein proposed a swan cannon first that prevented this idea's fruition. Although Einstein is the first person on record to formally posit the possibility of a nuclear swan strike, historians have theorized that the first use of the technology was used to turn the tides on the British in the war of 1812.



Swans swim in a row as they line up to be burned. Their noble sacrifices will not be forgotten as their charred remains will nobly be sacrificed to shuttle tens of passengers around a tiny pond for 15 minutes.



The Admiral is responsible for coordinating the actions of the entire swan fleet. Before his promotion, he was a Captain of an oil tanker who fought off Somali pirates with his bare moustache.



A daguerreotype taken of two passengers after their ride on a swan boat. The ride seems to have had the effect of giving them added confidence and increasing their problem solving skills two-fold. Also, it turned the woman into a slut.

It's Time For a Vacation!

Well, I am leaving for Greece in a few minutes. All I ask is that bang ban be as glorious as the last time someone went on vacation. If I come back and it isn't the #1 blog on the internet anymore then you will have to answer to Rocco (as seen below). And he just woke up from his nap. AND he is going to be pissed.

Figure 1: This is in fact not Rocco, but a picture of myself from the future after single-handedly conquering Greece. As you can see I have added some muscle mass after long battles with the locals. To them I am known as the Tyrant with a Heart of Shadowy Gold Who Bears Presents and Makes It Rain Surreal Hellfire. At least, I believe that is the translation. Oh and I got those trunks for $4 at a flea market. How cool is that?

Star wars in 3-D 4-D!

A few years ago, George Lucas stated in news articles that he would like to rerelease all six Star Wars films in 3-D. However, in this increasingly, futuristic age, to stay one step ahead of the competition, Lucas is now skipping 3-D and rereleasing the films direct to 4-D.

Here's a quote that George Lucas never said:

"With technology seemingly doubling every fortnight, we've got to stay one step ahead of these Star Trek bastards. The new Star Trek film made $100 billion dollars and that was just in 2-D. Lucasfilm scientists have estimated that by showing the original Star Wars films in twice the number of dimensions, we should make approximately twice the amount of money."

All six movies will be released in reverse, on consecutive days, each one showing for only one day. You will have to purchase the special 4-D glasses separately at participating theatres.


Fig. 1 - Specialized 4-D glasses created for this special event (with bonus pirate cutlass)

This will be a brand-new experience for most moviegoers, who traditionally watch movies in 2-D. Some have speculated that since no person has ever experienced reality in four dimensions that the legitimacy and the comprehensibility of the movies remain in question. For example, even a simple cube in 4-D has many extra lines in it, making it hardly recognizable from the simple, Platonic shape we all fall asleep dreaming about.


Fig. 2 - The 4-D cube I dreamt about last night

Here at bang-ban, we were lucky enough to preview two minutes from "Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back: Special Edition: in 4-D." Although Lucas has made no major changes to this version, the four dimensional aspect of this new version has caused some subtle changes to the familiar storyline. To illustrate some differences in the 4-D releases, we're going to describe what we saw during the scene where Han is frozen in carbonite:

---------------------------------------------

The scene opens in the carbon freezing chamber. Vader walks in. Boba Fett asks "What will happen if he doesn't survive?" to which Vader responds "The Empire will compensate you if he dies." Chewbacca then freaks out and brutally rapes two nearby stormtroopers. Han calms down Chewie and gives Leia one of his sex looks. Han then folds his body inside out through the fourth dimension and Leia shares a passionate kiss with the inside of Han's organs. Leia says "I love you" and Han, through his meat-folds, replies "I know you do, baby."


Fig. 3 - Han Solo tries to escape through the fourth dimension.

Han is then lowered into the carbon freezing chamber, is frozen, and then his carbon-frozen body comes out. The scene ends as the camera pans to Boba Fett and Vader, both with naked, except for their helmets, holding hands ever so gently.


Fig. 4 - In the 4-D version, the carbon freezing process replaces Han's arms and legs with sticks of butter and his torso with a baked potato. Jabba eats well tonight!

---------------------------------------------

So there you have it. Hopefully, these new releases will continue the tradition of these fine films and give our current generation of youngsters the experience of seeing a new version of these classic films for the fifth or sixth time.


Fig. 5 - Promotional photo from the 4-D release. Top row (left to right): Luke Skywalker, Leia, Han Solo, Lando Calrissian. Bottom row (left to right): R2-D2, Yoda, Darth Vader. Missing from photo: Boba Fett, Chewbacca.

Fortune Cookies

I have been quite busy lately and have not posted in a while. So instead of writing a long in depth picturestory (as I decided just now that I like to call them) about something hilarious, I decided that I would start off slowly and simply touch base with two of my favorite fortune cookie messages that I have come across in my travels recently.

1) "The change you started already have far-reaching effects. Be Ready."

Grammar be damned, this fortune cookie is about one thing and one thing only. Be ready. Always be ready. This is why I now spend my life in an athletic stance while constantly surveying my surroundings.

2) "Loving is sharing rainbows of happiness."

I'm not even sure where to start with this one. Frankly, it sounds like something you would see on bang ban preceeded by a picture of rainbows exploding from a smiling carebear's stomach. The post would probably be titled something along the lines of "How to Fight a Bear". ferd and/or Thorsberg, get on this.

Star Trek 2 Set Photos

Oh hey, it's William Shatner, back as Captain Kirk. Hurrah!





Oh man, this guy is pissed.





RECEIVE MY SEED!!!





Kirk: cheeks full and yanking it with two hands.





With his detachable penis in hand, will Kirk be able to fight off that creepy guy in the background?

To Be Continued...















OH MAN, RIGHT IN THE CHEST!!!





LIKE ACID, IT BURNS!!!





Two Kirks, One Khan.

OR





Two Kirks, a Khan, and a pizza place.

OR





KHAAAAANNNN!!!