Star wars in 3-D 4-D!

A few years ago, George Lucas stated in news articles that he would like to rerelease all six Star Wars films in 3-D. However, in this increasingly, futuristic age, to stay one step ahead of the competition, Lucas is now skipping 3-D and rereleasing the films direct to 4-D.

Here's a quote that George Lucas never said:

"With technology seemingly doubling every fortnight, we've got to stay one step ahead of these Star Trek bastards. The new Star Trek film made $100 billion dollars and that was just in 2-D. Lucasfilm scientists have estimated that by showing the original Star Wars films in twice the number of dimensions, we should make approximately twice the amount of money."

All six movies will be released in reverse, on consecutive days, each one showing for only one day. You will have to purchase the special 4-D glasses separately at participating theatres.


Fig. 1 - Specialized 4-D glasses created for this special event (with bonus pirate cutlass)

This will be a brand-new experience for most moviegoers, who traditionally watch movies in 2-D. Some have speculated that since no person has ever experienced reality in four dimensions that the legitimacy and the comprehensibility of the movies remain in question. For example, even a simple cube in 4-D has many extra lines in it, making it hardly recognizable from the simple, Platonic shape we all fall asleep dreaming about.


Fig. 2 - The 4-D cube I dreamt about last night

Here at bang-ban, we were lucky enough to preview two minutes from "Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back: Special Edition: in 4-D." Although Lucas has made no major changes to this version, the four dimensional aspect of this new version has caused some subtle changes to the familiar storyline. To illustrate some differences in the 4-D releases, we're going to describe what we saw during the scene where Han is frozen in carbonite:

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The scene opens in the carbon freezing chamber. Vader walks in. Boba Fett asks "What will happen if he doesn't survive?" to which Vader responds "The Empire will compensate you if he dies." Chewbacca then freaks out and brutally rapes two nearby stormtroopers. Han calms down Chewie and gives Leia one of his sex looks. Han then folds his body inside out through the fourth dimension and Leia shares a passionate kiss with the inside of Han's organs. Leia says "I love you" and Han, through his meat-folds, replies "I know you do, baby."


Fig. 3 - Han Solo tries to escape through the fourth dimension.

Han is then lowered into the carbon freezing chamber, is frozen, and then his carbon-frozen body comes out. The scene ends as the camera pans to Boba Fett and Vader, both with naked, except for their helmets, holding hands ever so gently.


Fig. 4 - In the 4-D version, the carbon freezing process replaces Han's arms and legs with sticks of butter and his torso with a baked potato. Jabba eats well tonight!

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So there you have it. Hopefully, these new releases will continue the tradition of these fine films and give our current generation of youngsters the experience of seeing a new version of these classic films for the fifth or sixth time.


Fig. 5 - Promotional photo from the 4-D release. Top row (left to right): Luke Skywalker, Leia, Han Solo, Lando Calrissian. Bottom row (left to right): R2-D2, Yoda, Darth Vader. Missing from photo: Boba Fett, Chewbacca.

Fortune Cookies

I have been quite busy lately and have not posted in a while. So instead of writing a long in depth picturestory (as I decided just now that I like to call them) about something hilarious, I decided that I would start off slowly and simply touch base with two of my favorite fortune cookie messages that I have come across in my travels recently.

1) "The change you started already have far-reaching effects. Be Ready."

Grammar be damned, this fortune cookie is about one thing and one thing only. Be ready. Always be ready. This is why I now spend my life in an athletic stance while constantly surveying my surroundings.

2) "Loving is sharing rainbows of happiness."

I'm not even sure where to start with this one. Frankly, it sounds like something you would see on bang ban preceeded by a picture of rainbows exploding from a smiling carebear's stomach. The post would probably be titled something along the lines of "How to Fight a Bear". ferd and/or Thorsberg, get on this.

Star Trek 2 Set Photos

Oh hey, it's William Shatner, back as Captain Kirk. Hurrah!





Oh man, this guy is pissed.





RECEIVE MY SEED!!!





Kirk: cheeks full and yanking it with two hands.





With his detachable penis in hand, will Kirk be able to fight off that creepy guy in the background?

To Be Continued...















OH MAN, RIGHT IN THE CHEST!!!





LIKE ACID, IT BURNS!!!





Two Kirks, One Khan.

OR





Two Kirks, a Khan, and a pizza place.

OR





KHAAAAANNNN!!!

Superman Rides a Bike!

Superman rides a bike!

Holy shit look how fast he is going!

Lois Lane thinks he's the coolest!

Superman won the race! Everyone is cheering.

Goat attack?!

Into space... freedom from the media!

THE END

A survey of 90s sitcoms

The 90s were a great time for sitcoms on television. Now let's take some time to look back at these legendary programs.


Saved by the Bell

A show about six high school students who were constantly hounded and sexually abused by the principal, Mr. Belding. One day, they discover the bell of Leonardo Da Vinci, which can become...a bigger bell...with a face. This bell becomes their champion and battles the sexual-predator-of-the-week while continually fending off Belding's advances with his rainbow death ray.



It was followed by "Saved by the Bell: the College Years," which was the same show, but set in college. There was also "Saved by the Bell: the new class" where the bell is handed down to a group of incoming freshman. The freshman, so shocked the first time they see the bell's true form, bury it deep underground. Every episode is a 30 minute dramatic monologue of the buried bell's thoughts. This show was cancelled after only 1 episode, where the bell wonders about the weather.


Suddenly Susan

In every episode, amateur magician Susan Lucci would enter each scene in cloud of smoke while shouting the show's title. However, when a printing error in the pilot omitted a crucial comma, this show went from a hilarious premise to grammatically incorrect. Most conscientious viewers, confused and frightened by the lack of proper, syntactic structure, quickly tuned off.


Full House

Compulsive gambler Danny Tanner, while playing a high stakes game of 7-card stud, loses all of his money and more when rival Jesse Katsopolis reveals he has a full house, beating Danny's three aces. Heavy in debt, Jesse makes him an offer he probably could have refused, but doesn't. Jesse murders Danny's wife and threatens the lives of his three daughters unless he gives Jesse a place to live. He is introduced as "Uncle Jesse" so as not to arouse suspicion from the girls. As a now single father, the working Danny brings in his best friend from high school, ex-navy seal Jospeh Gage, to watch Jesse during the day and to protect the girls. He takes on the persona of comedian Joey Gladstone so as to not arouse suspicion from Jesse. The three men live everyday in a delicate balance, knowing that the slightest incident could result in their deaths.


The full house shown in the opening sequence. The three queens represent Danny, Jesse, and Joey. The show lasted 87 episodes and was canceled before the grand finale when oldest daughter DJ was to discover Jesse's true identity, murder him in his sleep, and run away to Mexico with Joey .

Allow me to introduce myself!

Hi! I've recently been invited to post on bang ban, so I thought I'd introduce myself.

My name is Thorsberg and I am a communist killer-robot who has traveled back in time from the 2nd USSR in the 342nd decade. Back then in the future, I didn't get any of the cool assignments; my job mostly consisted of filing paperwork against the neo-republicans as killer-robot racism was in full swing (as it would be until 3460 when the 200,000th amendment to the Articles of Confederation outlawed killer-robot racism and gave women the right to vote, again).

While sent on an undercover mission to mine for raw Gallium in the heart of democratic Cuba, I discovered an old VHS copy of "Back to the Future III." After renting the last VCR on Earth for one million space dollars, I watched that old movie and was inspired to travel back in time and do something great.

Six years later, I had finally scrapped together enough money and spare parts to build my own version of a Delorean. I drove that thing up to 88 mph, straight to the nearest time travel agent to buy a ticket for 2009.


Fig. 1. - A wholly inaccurate reenactment.

My interests involve hot pepper flakes, transistor radios, and gender bias. I believe strongly in the principles of Gor and white slavery.

I dislike any prime number of teenagers with attitude, Razor scooters, and bloggers.

I hope you all hate my contributions to this blog. That would make me happy.

New Porn Ideas

The following are my ideas for a way to spice up those tired porn websites. These are new themes which could be explored to arouse both the sexes.

1) Casual Casual Sex

People talk about mundane things that happened during their day while fornicating.

Example:

A man and a lady are engaged in some heavy petting. The man mounts the lady while proclaiming, "I saw some nice plates at Crate and Barrel earlier." The lady, who has been completely quiet so far responds, "Are those the ones with the flowers? They would go nice with our glasses." The man thrust his love into her and casually states, "That's true." And they're spent.

Figure 1: "Oh yeah, let's not forget to pick up 3 of those fucked up red eggs while we're out!"

2) Fantasy Sex...wait I meant Fantasy Baseball Sex

Pretty much the same as the above except more angry name calling and slightly more discussion about whether or not J.D. Drew is waiver wire material. Slightly.

Figure 2: I'll trade you Drew for Ryan Ludw-ugh wait I need to finish...Ryan Ludwick. We're good.

3) Sexting

The media has been building this up as the newest craze and it needs to be capitalized on. There's some money to be made here. This site would have two people texting sexy messages until they climax. They may or may not need to be in the same room.

Example:
"r u bang me?"
"yes n bt"
"orgsm"
"i orgsm 2!"

Figure 3: "hi baby. u lk sex n prkn g?"

4) Transformer Sex

Watch as Bumblebee takes a new form as a trailer and hitches himself to the back of Optimus Prime. THEN Jazz drives in and out of the back of Bumblebee's open trailer. This is getting you hot just thinking about it, isn't it?

Figure 4: This accurately describes in picture form what I wrote above.

House Cleaning: Response

I certainly don't know why you would delete my art. This blog tells a story. A story of the lives of people. You just removed the chapters that describe my formative years. This is indeed disturbing. I was under the impression that this was America, comrade. On this, the week of July 4th, the day of our independence, you dare bring your tyranny to my house!


PS That was a good essay. I don't know why you would take such greatness away from the masses.

And now for the obligatory nonsensical/confusing picture:

House Cleaning -or- I am back and what is this shit

The following posts have been deleted:

You Will All Read the College Essay I Found on my Hard Drive
Really? This is what it has come to?

Anybody? Anybody?

The People Have Spoken
I'm leaving the Fantasy Baseball Post to stand by itself, as a constant reminder that I am your king. Also, I like the picture.