Congratulations, hippy! You got a bike. This means you either took money from your organic co-op's weed fund, or one of your more successful friends took pity on you. Regardless of who you stole it from, this bike marks a new chapter in your life. You undoubtedly have questions, and since you are most likely under house arrest in your barn-cum-industrial-loft, I will provide you with all of the information you need right here.
You are probably wondering, what now? Well, the first, most obvious first step would be to ride it. Haha, Slow the fuck down you hairy man-ape! Before you sully your two-wheeled girlfriend with the dirt of the road and your blood, you need to work on your image. You can start by telling all of your friends that you now are a cyclist, and find their car dependent opulence disgusting. Make sure to link their lifestyles to the Exxon Valdez oil spill, or at the very least, the Boston Molasses Disaster. Once you have sufficiently shamed them into hating you forever, it is now time to concentrate on your outward appearance.
There are only two types of people who ride bikes, homosexual businessman, and broke hippy losers. Since we have established that you fall into the latter category, we will dress you accordingly. This will be exceedingly simple since you probably have the pieces required currently on your person. Your flannel shirt? Roll up the sleeves. Your pants? Cut them three inches above the knee. Holy shit, you look fantastic, no one will want to hit you with their car at all!
Now you are ready to ride. Pedal to go forward, and try not to hit anything because it or you will die.
THE END.
this is SO good
ReplyDelete