Reversal of Length

Funny comment. End.

Sponsorship

http://www.baseball-reference.com/players/o/ortizda01.shtml

In case you haven't heard we are sponsoring David Ortiz's Baseball Reference page. If you have heard you probably haven't seen the new message. Fun.

Good Hotobenala to You.

I have devised the first annual Hotobenala to be celebrated on the second Saturday in April. This holiday is one of friends, food, good times, and childish name calling. It has many traditions indeed and to celebrate properly there is a pretty strict schedule you must adhere to. In this manual I will lay out what a purely orthodox Hotobenala entails.

The day involves many activities, but is mostly centered on copious amounts of movie watching. It is to be predetermined the number of movies to be watched by popular vote. However, you may never watch fewer than three movies or more than five.

Each attendee is to bring one movie to the gathering. This can be a movie of any length or genre. In order to choose the three to five movies to view, a game of Apples to Apples is to be played. The first three to five guests to collect two cards get the privilege of having their movie shown. The order of the movies will correspond to the order in which guests win in the game of Apples to Apples. Even if there are not enough people to have any removed by this process the game must still be played to determine the order. After you have collected two cards you are to remove yourself from the game.

The identity of the movies is to be kept secret until it is time to watch them. Movies are to be brought in a bag or container which hides their identity so that no one may know. You may not divulge what movie you have brought until it is time to watch it. However, phrases such as, “Oh man, my movie is so good” and “You are all going to hate my movie” are perfectly welcome. There are no vetoes allowed.

It is also important to adhere to the proper dress code. Only tee shirts and sweatpants or pajama pants are allowed. Long sleeve tee shirts are acceptable. Any attire may be covered by a sweatshirt or jacket as long as it is determined that the wearer indeed has on a tee shirt and the proper pants.

If it is determined that a guest is not wearing proper attire they are to be demeaned in the Circle of Ridicule. The ceremony of the Circle of Ridicule will commence after the choosing of the movies. The guest who has come to the party unprepared with be placed on the floor surrounded by the rest of the guests. Each properly dressed guest will be allowed to make a statement ridiculing the guest in the middle of the circle. Should more than one guest not be dressed properly they are all to sit in the middle and other guests will get to make a statement about each person. Also, throughout the entire ceremony the song Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus is to be played. The song will be repeated as necessary.

Should everyone adhere to the dress code then one of the guests who did not have their movie selected is randomly placed in the middle of the circle determined by choosing Scrabble letters out of a bag. Closest to Z gets sent to the circle. If all movies are being shown because there are not enough guests to have any removed during the selection process than it is determined that you do not have enough friends and each guest is to ridicule the other guests. All ridicules are to be given simultaneously.

The Breaking of Small Objects is to follow the Circle of Ridicule. Each person is to bring one small object to break via crushing, slicing, ripping, tearing, explosion or any other method. The entire party will go to a designated breaking area and each person will have the chance to destroy the item they have brought. If any person has not had their movie selected and has also been subject to the Circle of Ridicule then they are allowed to take any other persons object and destroy that as well as their own. The person whose object is taken does not get to break anything and is thus sad.

The remnants of the destroyed items are to be placed in a clear container and placed near the television in which the movies are to be watched so as they will be in eyesight the entire day.
The Watching of the Many Movies follows the Breaking of Small Objects. Movies are to be watched back to back with 15-30 minute breaks in between for the preparation of food and bathroom visits.

There is no traditional Hotobenala food; however, it is encouraged that no entrée be served. A series of delicious appetizers made before the Watching of the Many Movies and in between each movie is advised.

After the Watching of Many Movies a series of hugs and well wishes is to be given to each guest before departure.

She really enjoys the Breaking of Small Objects. Although she would be ridiculed for her improper attire.

GET TO THE CHOPPER! IT'S CHAPTER 12!

Chapter 12 is here. Let us all pray that 13 will follow shortly. We are watching you so if you aren't praying for real we won't release Chapter 13.

Chapter 11...

If you can all quiet down you can listen to Chapter 11 in peace. I SAID QUIET DOWN. Here is Chapter 11.

Is Dustin Pedroia a Peanut?

Figure 1: Dustin Pedroia...something about a peanut...good god, what am I doing with my life?

Boston, MA - Sources close to the Red Sox second baseman...yeah, even I can't write this story three days in a row.

Is David Ortiz a Peanut?

Figure 1: David Ortiz and Terry Francona, most likely discussing what it is like to be a peanut

Boston, MA - Late breaking news for you today folks. It appears that our story about Terry Francona being a peanut has drummed up panic in the clubhouse as David Ortiz has fled the country under suspicion that he too is a peanut.

Unnamed sources within the organization contacted bang ban to tell us that we were looking in the right place, but that, "This shit goes deeper than you would ever imagine."

The only question left is whether or not general manager Theo Epstein knew about this situation before bringing in multiple peanuts to lead his team. The evidence sure is damning. The following is an email between Epstein and former assistant general manager Josh Byrnes in 2003 before the acquisition of David Ortiz.

From: Josh Byrnes (jbone@redsox.com)

To: Theo Epstein (tbone@redsox.com)

T-Bone,

Our scouts have looked at Ortiz and believe he could be an asset to the team. His bat speed looks good. He could provide quality depth behind Giambi.

However, he does demonstrate peanutesque tendencies when at the plate. We can't be certain, but his agent did say we would be getting "the best bag of warm Ortizes in the country" if we signed him.

Love,

J-Bone

While this doesn't prove if the organization was certain about whether or not Big Papi was a peanut, it sure seems to show that they at least had their doubts. I don't know about you, but since I was a child I was always told, "If you think it's a peanut simply walk away and tell the authorities."

Certainly his leaving the country can only mean one thing, he is a peanut. The shame of the truth has caused him to run. There is no other explanation.

Are none of our heroes who we think they are these days? In this reporters opinion, some are, some are not.

In other news, David Ortiz killed a man with a pistol during a 1700's style duel yesterday.

Figure 2: An artist rendition of the assumed true form of David Ortiz

Is Tito a Peanut?

Figure 1: You aren't fooling anyone Terry

Boston, MA – There is a growing concern flowing through Red Sox nation and if rumors are true that concern could turn towards full on controversy.

For years now, we local sports fans have watched as the local nine don their uniforms and gloves and take to the diamond within the cathedral called Fenway Park. Since 2004 these muscular specimens have been led by a bald beauty. A man most of us consider to be one of the greatest leaders of Boston’s red sock wearing boys of summer. But recently this reporter has had his doubts about the legitimacy of this man’s tenure. In what is surely to be a mind blowing pronouncement I would like to offer to you evidence that will without a doubt prove to you that Terry Francona is indeed a peanut.

I first noticed his peculiar situation when he was on a talk show sans hat. If you look closely at the shape of his cranium I believe there are hints of ridges which could only be one thing, the shell of a peanut.

In recent years he has been battling many ailments which we have been told have dealt with injuries related to his back, knees, and as doctors put it, “Not his thin shell.” Also, he wears jackets all year. Is this to keep himself warm due to poor blood circulation or to hide the fact that he does not have arms?

A recent interview with ferd was indeed very revealing. When this reporter pushed him to provide an answer to whether or not Francona was a delicious salty treat things got very tense. After contemplating the question ferd leaned in to within inches of my face and said, “Probably…Probably.”

You may not be able to believe it, but his fantasy football team in a league run by WEEI, a local Boston AM sports station, was named Tito’s Peanuts. Being a bit obvious are we not?

Mr. Francona was asked to comment on the situation and simply stated, “What?” Furthermore, when licked on the head to confirm a salty disposition he had me removed from the restaurant that he and his family were currently eating in.

While I have yet to crack the shell of this story I think the circumstantial evidence is overwhelming. This is the biggest sports scandal since it was proved that Joe Torre was legally dead from 2001 through 2004.

Figure 2: An artist rendition of the assumed true form of Terry Francona

For your pleasure, Chapter 10.

Chapter 10 is here. Feel free to listen to it with your ears or any other body part that may enjoy some soothing audiobook stories.

Chapter 10 Download

Fortune Cookie Mash-Ups

This is a new segment on bang-ban in which we take multiple fortune cookies messages and put them together to create new and more poignant messages. Let's get to it.

1. Loving is sharing benefits in marble.
2. Your future and you will always move forward.
3. The change you started already have rainbows of happiness.
4. Write injuries in dust. Be ready.
5. Get your goals high as the lofty heaven.
6. As boundless as far reaching effects.

Can you figure out what the original messages were? Hint: There are five fortunes which were split into six fortunes during this mash-up.

Chapter 9, Stitches!

Uh oh. We've gotten word from the author that the final six chapters of TOTOWTTPAW have been been recorded and are ready for release. Put on your chaps and jump on your horse because we are off and running. We are looking to release a couple a week again so keep checking back.

Caption Contest!

Chapter 8! It's Finally Here!

Well after a long wait Chapter 8 is here. See the main issue is that Chapter 7 saw it's shadow and this called for a few weeks of nothing being released. Also, the author's wife kept wanted to do things with him and whatnot.

In case you don't feel like going back a few posts to find it you can follow this link to download this chapter or any others.

PS Thanks for waiting. I believe this is the longest chapter so I assume it was well worth the wait. Also, don't worry yourself over the poor reading of this chapter.