Wizard Cop

Frank Irons was a regular cop from Detroit, just like you or me. One day, while policing a bus of orphans and nuns, the unthinkable happened. The bus was hijacked and while Frank struggled to save them, the bus was driven off a cliff killing everyone.

Stricken with grief and regret, Frank took to the woods to find himself and the strength to never let this happen again. For two years he wandered, until coming across an old shack, deep within the belly of the forest. He entered and was greeted by an old man who said, "Frank, I have been waiting for you. It appears you are finally ready." Frank looked back stoically and simply said, "I know."

For two more years Frank trained in the woods with the old man. He may have entered the forest as a cop, he would be leaving as a Wizard Cop.

Elixir J.C. Washington

I don't know what this means, but it looks like it's supposed to be the opening line of a movie. I say that because it was saved on my computer with the file name movie.txt. I don't know what type of movie it would be. Perhaps some sort of cerebral thriller. I'm thinking maybe it would be about a guy who wakes up one day and suddenly it's as if all of his friends and girlfriend don't exist. Elixir then tries to piece together what is happening to him and what is his real life. Who knows what I was thinking at the time, I just pulled that off the top of my head.

My name is Elixir J.C. Washington. I go to college in the big city, but my bed resides in the not so big city.

I live here. All my friends live here. And my girlfriend Mary lives, here, because she loves rainbows.

Quotes That Need to be in Movies

These are quotes that I overheard or said that I apparently thought belonged in a moviefilm that at some point I would make. One of these ended up in a Radio Bang Ban. So I guess that's something.

"And all these years I thought she was asian."

"Then why are you so parallel?"

*walks into someone* "Sorry."

"Why? We all have to be somewhere."

"Let's see, wallet (touches wallet), keys (touches keys), stenographer. Good to go."

"Bring me the jar of Homo Juice!"

"She's like the Wedge in the movie of my life."

Apparently I couldn't find me keys at the time

In continuing with my never finishing things theme, here are lyrics I wrote during a brainstorming session. They aren't in any specific order. I guess this is kind of cheating because I did use one of these verses in an actual song. Let's see if you can pick it out. The rest of the lyrics I don't even remember writing.

Your personality’s flatter than a tapestry
A map you see
Leading me to the fallacy
Of your life, your strife
Don’t tell me that you’re all right



So why don’t you tell me a story
Of Yogi Bear and Sunday morning
Smiling like a catastrophe
You don’t ask for me
A plastic city
Of your faith, of your time, of your bite, of your rhyme,
Of your rock, of your lie, of the just, and the cr-cr-cr-cr-crime,

Reveal

Of the moon, of the tide, of the just, of the line,
Of the man, of the sign, of the heart, of the mind,
Of your king, of your blind, of your sight, of your kind,
Of your rape, of your sins, of your hate, of your kin,
Of your safe, of your gin, of your lace, of your tin,
Of your gait, of your walk, of your rate, of your talk,
Of your graph, of your pie, of your laugh, of your sigh
Of your wrath, of your tie, of your path, to the grind



My eyes are watching as my head is looking at the stars
The rocks outside have lost their luster
The trees outside are sagging with the weather
And I cannot find where I left my keys

My car is crowded with the leftovers from last night
The train is filled with walking checkbooks
The streets are paved with broken concrete
And I cannot find where I left my keys

Every new beginning...

The theme of this week is unfinished ideas. I often come up with movie ideas or the first couple pages of short stories, but get distracted and never fully finish them or even get them started. For some reason it seems that I get enamored with some idea or thought and yet I lose interest quickly. This means I have a lot of partial projects and very few finished ones. There are song lyrics and no music, music without lyrics, movies that will never be filmed (like Ninja L), stories that will never be finished and so on. For the most part, I like the ideas I come up with. It just is more fun coming up with the idea than actually executing it. So, I have decided to dig through my archives and bring out some of the good ideas and, to counteract that, some of the horrible ones. We started off with Ninja L. I now give you the first and only two paragraphs from the story, The Fairview Incident. I probably wrote this when I was depressed at college, because it was going to be a dark mystery. It's also pretty clear that I never revisited it. In case you didn't know Fairview was a small town.

The Fairview Incident

It’s been raining now for the past five days. The 10-Day forecast calls for more rain. Puddles have accumulated throughout the town and the rivers are at the highest levels they have been in 80 years. To most the nonstop rain elicits the memories of stories heard long ago of Noah and his Ark, the story of God washing away the face of the earth with water. If you ask me though, rain like this reminds me of a small town called Fairview.

Fairview was a small town in western Massachusetts. The town was split in two by the Pentuckett River. One day, in 1945, the river rose more than 7 feet. The town was flooded, the livestock drowned. Everyone in the town was killed by the flood and its destructive path. The rain purged the town in a matter of a day, yet neighboring towns felt not a drop of precipitation upon them. So today the forecast calls for heavy rain and I close my eyes and think of the Fairview Incident.

A Classic.

Ninja L

Ninja L is a film that was never finished. It was barely started. It certainly was never supposed to be made. That could be because it is too awe inspiring and totally original. Of course it could be because I have a job, few willing actors, no real resources and not nearly enough drive to actually work on it. Either way the "screenplay" reads more like a lazy short story than anything. Feel free to give it a read for some good times. If you want to make it yourself you are welcome to.

Ninja L

Twitter

Bang-Ban can hardly sustain itself as a blog, so it seemed like a good idea to move into Twitter as well. With a little luck, you will now get the same months of nothingness from two locations.

To find us just search for bighawkbird on the Twitter website. Getting to the Twitter website is easy. Simply search for Google in Yahoo!, then when you get to Google search for Wikipedia. Once you are on the Wikipedia page search for Twitter. The link should be on the page somewhere.

Except the little fish...

Radio Bang Ban - Episode 4

Another episode of Radio Bang Ban is upon us. In this episode you will:

1. Feel wistful about all of the Planet of the Apes related material
2. Angry about all the good times related material

Wait, maybe it's the other way around. The world may never know. All I know is someone is going to be angry about something.

See all the episodes here: http://www.archive.org/details/RadioBangBan

Netflix Trivia

The hottest new game on the block is Netflix Trivia. Check it out or check it in!

Radio Bang Ban - Episode 3

Well we are back again boppers with yet another episode of Radio Bang Ban.

On this episode you will:

1. Learn about the Jewish culture
2. Remember your childhood
3. Wonder why your ears are bleeding

Go here for all of the episodes

A movie from the archives

PASSING THE BAR

A tax attorney (Christian Bale) with a chronic gambling problem finds himself trapped in China, his passport confiscated by a local loan shark (Jackie Chan). He'll have to win back his passport and his freedom by competing in the underground Chinese limbo circuit. But will he be able to defeat the reigning champion (Gary Oldman) in time to catch his flight?

Radio Bang Ban - Episode 2

Well we are already posting episode two of Radio Bang Ban. Don't get used to it being so frequent because this breakneck pace isn't going to keep up. I will try to provide a new episode periodically, but it is starting to get warm out and I am easily distracted by beautiful butterflies. In any case, we have a new, Eric Kuo heavy, episode for you featuring:

I Think moments with The Money Train
A song from Eric Kuo
Eric Kuo explains the plot to Dreamscape

I am trying out some new taglines for the show here on the blog. What do you think of this one?

Radio Bang Ban: It's like NPR, but with cussin'.




To listen on the go click here

Radio Bang Ban

Hello Kiddies. I know it's been a while, but The Money Train is back and he's brought goodies. Today we have for you, the first episode of Radio Bang Ban. What is Radio Bang Ban? Only the hottest new thing in the ever! It's a collection of stories, interviews, music and the absurd. In today's episode you will hear:

A story by Matthew Long Middleton
Music from Roy G. BV
Late Breaking Fantasy Baseball News
A jealous GPS

Click here to download and listen on your new fangled listening devices

Chapter 14. End.

It's a glorious and yet a sad day in bang ban history. Before you is the final chapter of Times of Tension or Welcome to the Pre-apocalyptic Wasteland. It's been quite a run. This also means that the re-branding of old material is at an end. Although, word has it the author has thoughts of an animated film in the future, however the rumors still have yet to be confirmed.

We do have the honor today or unveiling the new cover art for the audiobook. Isn't that nice? Well I suppose we should get to it. Here is the riveting conclusion to TOTOWTTPAW.

As always, if you want to download this chapter or any other you can follow this link. In fact you can download the whole audiobook at once or listen to it all the way through on the player.

CHAPTER 13.

Well we have come to the final week of TOTOWTTPAW. This is the second to last chapter, so enjoy it while you can. We will have the unveiling of the final installment to great fanfare later this week. And now enjoy this picture.

Oh, and Chapter 13.

Reversal of Length

Funny comment. End.

Sponsorship

http://www.baseball-reference.com/players/o/ortizda01.shtml

In case you haven't heard we are sponsoring David Ortiz's Baseball Reference page. If you have heard you probably haven't seen the new message. Fun.

Good Hotobenala to You.

I have devised the first annual Hotobenala to be celebrated on the second Saturday in April. This holiday is one of friends, food, good times, and childish name calling. It has many traditions indeed and to celebrate properly there is a pretty strict schedule you must adhere to. In this manual I will lay out what a purely orthodox Hotobenala entails.

The day involves many activities, but is mostly centered on copious amounts of movie watching. It is to be predetermined the number of movies to be watched by popular vote. However, you may never watch fewer than three movies or more than five.

Each attendee is to bring one movie to the gathering. This can be a movie of any length or genre. In order to choose the three to five movies to view, a game of Apples to Apples is to be played. The first three to five guests to collect two cards get the privilege of having their movie shown. The order of the movies will correspond to the order in which guests win in the game of Apples to Apples. Even if there are not enough people to have any removed by this process the game must still be played to determine the order. After you have collected two cards you are to remove yourself from the game.

The identity of the movies is to be kept secret until it is time to watch them. Movies are to be brought in a bag or container which hides their identity so that no one may know. You may not divulge what movie you have brought until it is time to watch it. However, phrases such as, “Oh man, my movie is so good” and “You are all going to hate my movie” are perfectly welcome. There are no vetoes allowed.

It is also important to adhere to the proper dress code. Only tee shirts and sweatpants or pajama pants are allowed. Long sleeve tee shirts are acceptable. Any attire may be covered by a sweatshirt or jacket as long as it is determined that the wearer indeed has on a tee shirt and the proper pants.

If it is determined that a guest is not wearing proper attire they are to be demeaned in the Circle of Ridicule. The ceremony of the Circle of Ridicule will commence after the choosing of the movies. The guest who has come to the party unprepared with be placed on the floor surrounded by the rest of the guests. Each properly dressed guest will be allowed to make a statement ridiculing the guest in the middle of the circle. Should more than one guest not be dressed properly they are all to sit in the middle and other guests will get to make a statement about each person. Also, throughout the entire ceremony the song Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus is to be played. The song will be repeated as necessary.

Should everyone adhere to the dress code then one of the guests who did not have their movie selected is randomly placed in the middle of the circle determined by choosing Scrabble letters out of a bag. Closest to Z gets sent to the circle. If all movies are being shown because there are not enough guests to have any removed during the selection process than it is determined that you do not have enough friends and each guest is to ridicule the other guests. All ridicules are to be given simultaneously.

The Breaking of Small Objects is to follow the Circle of Ridicule. Each person is to bring one small object to break via crushing, slicing, ripping, tearing, explosion or any other method. The entire party will go to a designated breaking area and each person will have the chance to destroy the item they have brought. If any person has not had their movie selected and has also been subject to the Circle of Ridicule then they are allowed to take any other persons object and destroy that as well as their own. The person whose object is taken does not get to break anything and is thus sad.

The remnants of the destroyed items are to be placed in a clear container and placed near the television in which the movies are to be watched so as they will be in eyesight the entire day.
The Watching of the Many Movies follows the Breaking of Small Objects. Movies are to be watched back to back with 15-30 minute breaks in between for the preparation of food and bathroom visits.

There is no traditional Hotobenala food; however, it is encouraged that no entrée be served. A series of delicious appetizers made before the Watching of the Many Movies and in between each movie is advised.

After the Watching of Many Movies a series of hugs and well wishes is to be given to each guest before departure.

She really enjoys the Breaking of Small Objects. Although she would be ridiculed for her improper attire.

GET TO THE CHOPPER! IT'S CHAPTER 12!

Chapter 12 is here. Let us all pray that 13 will follow shortly. We are watching you so if you aren't praying for real we won't release Chapter 13.

Chapter 11...

If you can all quiet down you can listen to Chapter 11 in peace. I SAID QUIET DOWN. Here is Chapter 11.

Is Dustin Pedroia a Peanut?

Figure 1: Dustin Pedroia...something about a peanut...good god, what am I doing with my life?

Boston, MA - Sources close to the Red Sox second baseman...yeah, even I can't write this story three days in a row.

Is David Ortiz a Peanut?

Figure 1: David Ortiz and Terry Francona, most likely discussing what it is like to be a peanut

Boston, MA - Late breaking news for you today folks. It appears that our story about Terry Francona being a peanut has drummed up panic in the clubhouse as David Ortiz has fled the country under suspicion that he too is a peanut.

Unnamed sources within the organization contacted bang ban to tell us that we were looking in the right place, but that, "This shit goes deeper than you would ever imagine."

The only question left is whether or not general manager Theo Epstein knew about this situation before bringing in multiple peanuts to lead his team. The evidence sure is damning. The following is an email between Epstein and former assistant general manager Josh Byrnes in 2003 before the acquisition of David Ortiz.

From: Josh Byrnes (jbone@redsox.com)

To: Theo Epstein (tbone@redsox.com)

T-Bone,

Our scouts have looked at Ortiz and believe he could be an asset to the team. His bat speed looks good. He could provide quality depth behind Giambi.

However, he does demonstrate peanutesque tendencies when at the plate. We can't be certain, but his agent did say we would be getting "the best bag of warm Ortizes in the country" if we signed him.

Love,

J-Bone

While this doesn't prove if the organization was certain about whether or not Big Papi was a peanut, it sure seems to show that they at least had their doubts. I don't know about you, but since I was a child I was always told, "If you think it's a peanut simply walk away and tell the authorities."

Certainly his leaving the country can only mean one thing, he is a peanut. The shame of the truth has caused him to run. There is no other explanation.

Are none of our heroes who we think they are these days? In this reporters opinion, some are, some are not.

In other news, David Ortiz killed a man with a pistol during a 1700's style duel yesterday.

Figure 2: An artist rendition of the assumed true form of David Ortiz

Is Tito a Peanut?

Figure 1: You aren't fooling anyone Terry

Boston, MA – There is a growing concern flowing through Red Sox nation and if rumors are true that concern could turn towards full on controversy.

For years now, we local sports fans have watched as the local nine don their uniforms and gloves and take to the diamond within the cathedral called Fenway Park. Since 2004 these muscular specimens have been led by a bald beauty. A man most of us consider to be one of the greatest leaders of Boston’s red sock wearing boys of summer. But recently this reporter has had his doubts about the legitimacy of this man’s tenure. In what is surely to be a mind blowing pronouncement I would like to offer to you evidence that will without a doubt prove to you that Terry Francona is indeed a peanut.

I first noticed his peculiar situation when he was on a talk show sans hat. If you look closely at the shape of his cranium I believe there are hints of ridges which could only be one thing, the shell of a peanut.

In recent years he has been battling many ailments which we have been told have dealt with injuries related to his back, knees, and as doctors put it, “Not his thin shell.” Also, he wears jackets all year. Is this to keep himself warm due to poor blood circulation or to hide the fact that he does not have arms?

A recent interview with ferd was indeed very revealing. When this reporter pushed him to provide an answer to whether or not Francona was a delicious salty treat things got very tense. After contemplating the question ferd leaned in to within inches of my face and said, “Probably…Probably.”

You may not be able to believe it, but his fantasy football team in a league run by WEEI, a local Boston AM sports station, was named Tito’s Peanuts. Being a bit obvious are we not?

Mr. Francona was asked to comment on the situation and simply stated, “What?” Furthermore, when licked on the head to confirm a salty disposition he had me removed from the restaurant that he and his family were currently eating in.

While I have yet to crack the shell of this story I think the circumstantial evidence is overwhelming. This is the biggest sports scandal since it was proved that Joe Torre was legally dead from 2001 through 2004.

Figure 2: An artist rendition of the assumed true form of Terry Francona

For your pleasure, Chapter 10.

Chapter 10 is here. Feel free to listen to it with your ears or any other body part that may enjoy some soothing audiobook stories.

Chapter 10 Download

Fortune Cookie Mash-Ups

This is a new segment on bang-ban in which we take multiple fortune cookies messages and put them together to create new and more poignant messages. Let's get to it.

1. Loving is sharing benefits in marble.
2. Your future and you will always move forward.
3. The change you started already have rainbows of happiness.
4. Write injuries in dust. Be ready.
5. Get your goals high as the lofty heaven.
6. As boundless as far reaching effects.

Can you figure out what the original messages were? Hint: There are five fortunes which were split into six fortunes during this mash-up.

Chapter 9, Stitches!

Uh oh. We've gotten word from the author that the final six chapters of TOTOWTTPAW have been been recorded and are ready for release. Put on your chaps and jump on your horse because we are off and running. We are looking to release a couple a week again so keep checking back.

Caption Contest!

Chapter 8! It's Finally Here!

Well after a long wait Chapter 8 is here. See the main issue is that Chapter 7 saw it's shadow and this called for a few weeks of nothing being released. Also, the author's wife kept wanted to do things with him and whatnot.

In case you don't feel like going back a few posts to find it you can follow this link to download this chapter or any others.

PS Thanks for waiting. I believe this is the longest chapter so I assume it was well worth the wait. Also, don't worry yourself over the poor reading of this chapter.