Is Tito a Peanut?

Figure 1: You aren't fooling anyone Terry

Boston, MA – There is a growing concern flowing through Red Sox nation and if rumors are true that concern could turn towards full on controversy.

For years now, we local sports fans have watched as the local nine don their uniforms and gloves and take to the diamond within the cathedral called Fenway Park. Since 2004 these muscular specimens have been led by a bald beauty. A man most of us consider to be one of the greatest leaders of Boston’s red sock wearing boys of summer. But recently this reporter has had his doubts about the legitimacy of this man’s tenure. In what is surely to be a mind blowing pronouncement I would like to offer to you evidence that will without a doubt prove to you that Terry Francona is indeed a peanut.

I first noticed his peculiar situation when he was on a talk show sans hat. If you look closely at the shape of his cranium I believe there are hints of ridges which could only be one thing, the shell of a peanut.

In recent years he has been battling many ailments which we have been told have dealt with injuries related to his back, knees, and as doctors put it, “Not his thin shell.” Also, he wears jackets all year. Is this to keep himself warm due to poor blood circulation or to hide the fact that he does not have arms?

A recent interview with ferd was indeed very revealing. When this reporter pushed him to provide an answer to whether or not Francona was a delicious salty treat things got very tense. After contemplating the question ferd leaned in to within inches of my face and said, “Probably…Probably.”

You may not be able to believe it, but his fantasy football team in a league run by WEEI, a local Boston AM sports station, was named Tito’s Peanuts. Being a bit obvious are we not?

Mr. Francona was asked to comment on the situation and simply stated, “What?” Furthermore, when licked on the head to confirm a salty disposition he had me removed from the restaurant that he and his family were currently eating in.

While I have yet to crack the shell of this story I think the circumstantial evidence is overwhelming. This is the biggest sports scandal since it was proved that Joe Torre was legally dead from 2001 through 2004.

Figure 2: An artist rendition of the assumed true form of Terry Francona