Is David Ortiz a Peanut?

Figure 1: David Ortiz and Terry Francona, most likely discussing what it is like to be a peanut

Boston, MA - Late breaking news for you today folks. It appears that our story about Terry Francona being a peanut has drummed up panic in the clubhouse as David Ortiz has fled the country under suspicion that he too is a peanut.

Unnamed sources within the organization contacted bang ban to tell us that we were looking in the right place, but that, "This shit goes deeper than you would ever imagine."

The only question left is whether or not general manager Theo Epstein knew about this situation before bringing in multiple peanuts to lead his team. The evidence sure is damning. The following is an email between Epstein and former assistant general manager Josh Byrnes in 2003 before the acquisition of David Ortiz.

From: Josh Byrnes (jbone@redsox.com)

To: Theo Epstein (tbone@redsox.com)

T-Bone,

Our scouts have looked at Ortiz and believe he could be an asset to the team. His bat speed looks good. He could provide quality depth behind Giambi.

However, he does demonstrate peanutesque tendencies when at the plate. We can't be certain, but his agent did say we would be getting "the best bag of warm Ortizes in the country" if we signed him.

Love,

J-Bone

While this doesn't prove if the organization was certain about whether or not Big Papi was a peanut, it sure seems to show that they at least had their doubts. I don't know about you, but since I was a child I was always told, "If you think it's a peanut simply walk away and tell the authorities."

Certainly his leaving the country can only mean one thing, he is a peanut. The shame of the truth has caused him to run. There is no other explanation.

Are none of our heroes who we think they are these days? In this reporters opinion, some are, some are not.

In other news, David Ortiz killed a man with a pistol during a 1700's style duel yesterday.

Figure 2: An artist rendition of the assumed true form of David Ortiz