Things Animals Would Say To Each Other

I am excited to introduce a new segment I like to call Things Things Would Say To Each Other! Let's get into it.

Today's topic: Animals

Bear to Bee:

"If you sting me, Ima fuckin' eat your house."

Figure 1: Bear about to eat a house

Deer to another Deer:

"Faster! Faster, Bambi! Don't look back! Keep running! Keep running!"

Figure 2: The hunter's point of view. BAM!

Giraffe to Titmouse:
"Really?"

Figure 3: Giraffe asking the question, "Really?"

Rabbit to Deer:
"'Eating greens is a special treat, It makes long ears and great big feet. But it sure is awful stuff to eat.' I made that last part up myself."

Figure 4: That line sounds so much creepier with this picture attached.

Fox to Titmouse:

"No, seriously, really?"

Figure 5: Fox trying to understand where the name comes from by looking at it from different angles.

Sperm Whale to Blue Whale:
"Cheer up buddy, at least you aren't shaped like a refrigerator box."

Figure 6: Sperm whale in its natural habitat. The ocean.

Yet Another Random Animal to Titmouse:
"You don't look anything like I expected...or hoped for."

Figure 7: Titmouse not looking like what I dreamed about last night.

Cat to Dog:
"Meow."

Figure 8: Cat speaking in its native tongue.

Bear to Human:
"If you sting me, Ima fuckin' eat your house."

Figure 9: Bear about to eat YOUR house. Watch out, dick.

Bang-Ban's Bang Bang Fighting Guide

You've all been waiting...

Now here it is...

The Bang-Ban Bang Bang Fighting Guide to Ultimate Fighting Power (Part 1 of a fucking billion)

Many people nowadays find themselves in situations in which they need to fight. Whether it is fighting off potential suitors, or fighting your emotions, fighting ability has scientifically been proven to be four-thousand times more necessary now than 12 months ago.

The problem is, with computers and Vespas, the average American citizen has become so complacent that they could not even fight a subpoena. BUT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE AN AMERICAN CITIZEN.

Fig 1. A strangle hold

BASIC RULES

There are 3 important rules to fighting, and 4 rules that are not important. We will go over a mix of these rules.

Fig 2. Possible fighting haircuts

RULE #1 TO FIGHTING

Never back down from a fight unless you could get punched in the face and/or crotch.

RULE #2 TO FIGHTING

Never fight in self defense, that is the greatest sign of weakness.

RULE #3 TO FIGHTING

Don't just beat your enemy physically, dazzle them.

RULE #4 TO FIGHTING

Sometimes, talking about fighting takes more strength than actually fighting.

FIGHTING STYLES

The best way to find a fighting style is to pick an animal. What does it do? What are its fears? Who does it fraternize with? If you have no real-life examples, just make a best guess. Knowledge is not necessary for sweet fighting skills. Here are some examples if you are really stupid.

Bear Style

Fight campers by sitting on their tents and eating their garbage

Fig 3. Putting armor on animals makes them randy

Wolf Style

Fuck yes, good style, wolfs are fucking awesome and they are so cool.

Tiger Style

DON'T FIGHT YOU ARE ENDANGERED

MORE TO COME. STAY POWERFUL!

Horoscopes for Friday 8/21

Leo

Summer becomes Fall, and a young boy's fancy turns to love. You have a strong connection with Gemini. Go out and get 'em, tiger.


Sagittarius

Mars is in retrograde, so your professional troubles may be turning themselves around. Look for opportunities that you might have missed.


Aries

Mars is in retrograde, so friendships strengthened now will be stronger than ever. Call up that old boyfriend/girlfriend whose heart you broke and rekindle that friendship. You will be welcomed with open arms.


Taurus

Mars is in retrograde, so sell those bond futures and invest in pork bellies. I guarantee a 200% increase in 3/4ths of your portfolio within 8 months.


Gemini

Look out! Tiger attack!


Cancer

You have a continual need to be challenged so don't be afraid to make a change at work. You are adventurous but be careful not to crowd your partner. You are compatible with a Dragon or a Horse and are incompatible with a Goat or an Ox.


Born Today

Be careful of audacity. Just as your recent success does not give you free reign to break the rules at work, similarly, just because it's your birthday does not mean you get a special horoscope. You're a Leo. Deal with it. Also, there will be a nice cake waiting for you today.

My Glorious Return From Greece is Complete. This is how it went.

kill yo phone

Motha fuckas guide to killin yo phone

STEP ONE:

FIND YO PHONE

STEP TWO:

KILL YO PHONE

bitch

Movie Spoilers!

The statute of limitations on movie spoilers is 29 years after the movie has been released. Here are movie spoilers for movies made before 1990. (WARNING: spoilers ahead!)

Steel Magnolias


- It turns out that Sarah is the cyber-techno hacker that everyone has been talking about. By masking all her IPs simultaneously, she was able to hide from the E-Police. In the end, Sarah commits suicide by jumping into a vat of acid and Dr. Zarket reveals that her locket holds the key to curing the mutated frogs on the international space station.



The Great Gatsby


-It was Prof. Plum in the drawing room with the lead pipe.

A spoiler for this movie was written by the great prophet F. Scott Fitzgerald in 1925, 49 years before the release of the film. In fact, Fitzgerald wrote many such famous movie spoilers until his death in 1926, when he was burned at the stake by the local townspeople for witchcraft.



The Graduate



He Graduates.

Boy, George!

George Washington's birthday is February 22nd. To commemorate his birthday, here's a picture of George Washington I found.


Fig. Newton: A portrait of George Washington immediately after he won the Battle of Hastings. Here, he is depicted as regal and elegant, wearing the colors that would become symbolic of America and freedom. In this picture, he is seen carrying some weird dude on his back against his will.


The $1,000,000 bill was created in an effort to pay Bill Gates' salary. However, he immediately denounced the bill when he realized that most strip clubs couldn't make change.

Swan Boats

People pay good money to ride a boat that shares some features in common with a swan. This business model almost failed after The Great Swanning of 1812 caused public backlash against swans.



The swan was not arbitrarily chosen as swans are the purest form of fuel known to mankind, and it is their burning flesh that fuels the furnace of each ship.



It is a well known fact that burning five swans releases the same amount of energy as a nuclear bomb. In a famous stroke of brilliance, it was Einstein who first suggested that we drop a bevy of swans on the Red Menace. It was only the extreme jealously that Oppenheimer and Bohr experienced when Einstein proposed a swan cannon first that prevented this idea's fruition. Although Einstein is the first person on record to formally posit the possibility of a nuclear swan strike, historians have theorized that the first use of the technology was used to turn the tides on the British in the war of 1812.



Swans swim in a row as they line up to be burned. Their noble sacrifices will not be forgotten as their charred remains will nobly be sacrificed to shuttle tens of passengers around a tiny pond for 15 minutes.



The Admiral is responsible for coordinating the actions of the entire swan fleet. Before his promotion, he was a Captain of an oil tanker who fought off Somali pirates with his bare moustache.



A daguerreotype taken of two passengers after their ride on a swan boat. The ride seems to have had the effect of giving them added confidence and increasing their problem solving skills two-fold. Also, it turned the woman into a slut.

It's Time For a Vacation!

Well, I am leaving for Greece in a few minutes. All I ask is that bang ban be as glorious as the last time someone went on vacation. If I come back and it isn't the #1 blog on the internet anymore then you will have to answer to Rocco (as seen below). And he just woke up from his nap. AND he is going to be pissed.

Figure 1: This is in fact not Rocco, but a picture of myself from the future after single-handedly conquering Greece. As you can see I have added some muscle mass after long battles with the locals. To them I am known as the Tyrant with a Heart of Shadowy Gold Who Bears Presents and Makes It Rain Surreal Hellfire. At least, I believe that is the translation. Oh and I got those trunks for $4 at a flea market. How cool is that?