Here's a quote that George Lucas never said:
"With technology seemingly doubling every fortnight, we've got to stay one step ahead of these Star Trek bastards. The new Star Trek film made $100 billion dollars and that was just in 2-D. Lucasfilm scientists have estimated that by showing the original Star Wars films in twice the number of dimensions, we should make approximately twice the amount of money."
All six movies will be released in reverse, on consecutive days, each one showing for only one day. You will have to purchase the special 4-D glasses separately at participating theatres.
This will be a brand-new experience for most moviegoers, who traditionally watch movies in 2-D. Some have speculated that since no person has ever experienced reality in four dimensions that the legitimacy and the comprehensibility of the movies remain in question. For example, even a simple cube in 4-D has many extra lines in it, making it hardly recognizable from the simple, Platonic shape we all fall asleep dreaming about.
Here at bang-ban, we were lucky enough to preview two minutes from "Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back: Special Edition: in 4-D." Although Lucas has made no major changes to this version, the four dimensional aspect of this new version has caused some subtle changes to the familiar storyline. To illustrate some differences in the 4-D releases, we're going to describe what we saw during the scene where Han is frozen in carbonite:
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The scene opens in the carbon freezing chamber. Vader walks in. Boba Fett asks "What will happen if he doesn't survive?" to which Vader responds "The Empire will compensate you if he dies." Chewbacca then freaks out and brutally rapes two nearby stormtroopers. Han calms down Chewie and gives Leia one of his sex looks. Han then folds his body inside out through the fourth dimension and Leia shares a passionate kiss with the inside of Han's organs. Leia says "I love you" and Han, through his meat-folds, replies "I know you do, baby."
Han is then lowered into the carbon freezing chamber, is frozen, and then his carbon-frozen body comes out. The scene ends as the camera pans to Boba Fett and Vader, both with naked, except for their helmets, holding hands ever so gently.
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So there you have it. Hopefully, these new releases will continue the tradition of these fine films and give our current generation of youngsters the experience of seeing a new version of these classic films for the fifth or sixth time.