Is David Ortiz a Peanut?

Figure 1: David Ortiz and Terry Francona, most likely discussing what it is like to be a peanut

Boston, MA - Late breaking news for you today folks. It appears that our story about Terry Francona being a peanut has drummed up panic in the clubhouse as David Ortiz has fled the country under suspicion that he too is a peanut.

Unnamed sources within the organization contacted bang ban to tell us that we were looking in the right place, but that, "This shit goes deeper than you would ever imagine."

The only question left is whether or not general manager Theo Epstein knew about this situation before bringing in multiple peanuts to lead his team. The evidence sure is damning. The following is an email between Epstein and former assistant general manager Josh Byrnes in 2003 before the acquisition of David Ortiz.

From: Josh Byrnes (jbone@redsox.com)

To: Theo Epstein (tbone@redsox.com)

T-Bone,

Our scouts have looked at Ortiz and believe he could be an asset to the team. His bat speed looks good. He could provide quality depth behind Giambi.

However, he does demonstrate peanutesque tendencies when at the plate. We can't be certain, but his agent did say we would be getting "the best bag of warm Ortizes in the country" if we signed him.

Love,

J-Bone

While this doesn't prove if the organization was certain about whether or not Big Papi was a peanut, it sure seems to show that they at least had their doubts. I don't know about you, but since I was a child I was always told, "If you think it's a peanut simply walk away and tell the authorities."

Certainly his leaving the country can only mean one thing, he is a peanut. The shame of the truth has caused him to run. There is no other explanation.

Are none of our heroes who we think they are these days? In this reporters opinion, some are, some are not.

In other news, David Ortiz killed a man with a pistol during a 1700's style duel yesterday.

Figure 2: An artist rendition of the assumed true form of David Ortiz

Is Tito a Peanut?

Figure 1: You aren't fooling anyone Terry

Boston, MA – There is a growing concern flowing through Red Sox nation and if rumors are true that concern could turn towards full on controversy.

For years now, we local sports fans have watched as the local nine don their uniforms and gloves and take to the diamond within the cathedral called Fenway Park. Since 2004 these muscular specimens have been led by a bald beauty. A man most of us consider to be one of the greatest leaders of Boston’s red sock wearing boys of summer. But recently this reporter has had his doubts about the legitimacy of this man’s tenure. In what is surely to be a mind blowing pronouncement I would like to offer to you evidence that will without a doubt prove to you that Terry Francona is indeed a peanut.

I first noticed his peculiar situation when he was on a talk show sans hat. If you look closely at the shape of his cranium I believe there are hints of ridges which could only be one thing, the shell of a peanut.

In recent years he has been battling many ailments which we have been told have dealt with injuries related to his back, knees, and as doctors put it, “Not his thin shell.” Also, he wears jackets all year. Is this to keep himself warm due to poor blood circulation or to hide the fact that he does not have arms?

A recent interview with ferd was indeed very revealing. When this reporter pushed him to provide an answer to whether or not Francona was a delicious salty treat things got very tense. After contemplating the question ferd leaned in to within inches of my face and said, “Probably…Probably.”

You may not be able to believe it, but his fantasy football team in a league run by WEEI, a local Boston AM sports station, was named Tito’s Peanuts. Being a bit obvious are we not?

Mr. Francona was asked to comment on the situation and simply stated, “What?” Furthermore, when licked on the head to confirm a salty disposition he had me removed from the restaurant that he and his family were currently eating in.

While I have yet to crack the shell of this story I think the circumstantial evidence is overwhelming. This is the biggest sports scandal since it was proved that Joe Torre was legally dead from 2001 through 2004.

Figure 2: An artist rendition of the assumed true form of Terry Francona

For your pleasure, Chapter 10.

Chapter 10 is here. Feel free to listen to it with your ears or any other body part that may enjoy some soothing audiobook stories.

Chapter 10 Download

Fortune Cookie Mash-Ups

This is a new segment on bang-ban in which we take multiple fortune cookies messages and put them together to create new and more poignant messages. Let's get to it.

1. Loving is sharing benefits in marble.
2. Your future and you will always move forward.
3. The change you started already have rainbows of happiness.
4. Write injuries in dust. Be ready.
5. Get your goals high as the lofty heaven.
6. As boundless as far reaching effects.

Can you figure out what the original messages were? Hint: There are five fortunes which were split into six fortunes during this mash-up.

Chapter 9, Stitches!

Uh oh. We've gotten word from the author that the final six chapters of TOTOWTTPAW have been been recorded and are ready for release. Put on your chaps and jump on your horse because we are off and running. We are looking to release a couple a week again so keep checking back.

Caption Contest!

Chapter 8! It's Finally Here!

Well after a long wait Chapter 8 is here. See the main issue is that Chapter 7 saw it's shadow and this called for a few weeks of nothing being released. Also, the author's wife kept wanted to do things with him and whatnot.

In case you don't feel like going back a few posts to find it you can follow this link to download this chapter or any others.

PS Thanks for waiting. I believe this is the longest chapter so I assume it was well worth the wait. Also, don't worry yourself over the poor reading of this chapter.