Area Woman Admits She Doesn't Know How to Watch TV, Movies

Fairfax, VA - For the last 30 years, Lois Whitaker has been forced to hide her shame, that she never learned how to watch television.

Whitaker's life of secrecy started at an early age. Raised in an affluent community with a strong school system, Whitaker was taught at an early age how to learn and be entertained by newspapers and books. It wasn't until she received a scholarship to UCLA that she realized that she didn't know how to watch TV.

"I was invited to a friend's dorm room the first week of classes, and I was totally surprised to see them watching television. Although I had never seen one, I had seen pictures and read about them in magazines like TV guide and Entertainment Weekly," said Whitaker. "I couldn't understand what they were watching, but from their reactions, I knew when to groan or laugh along with everyone else. I couldn't watch television, but I could read people."

Graduating with a double major in History and Germanic languages, Whitaker was able to hide her shame throughout college, but Whitaker says that in the last few years her problem was gotten worse. "It got to the point where I was sneaking newspapers into people's homes when I was invited over, because I was worried we'd end up watching a movie or TV show after dinner. If the lights went down for a movie, I'd try to sit behind everyone or take a long trip to the bathroom to read the business section," said Whitaker. That's when she finally sought help.

Last year, Whitaker admitted her secret to her closest friend, Sheila Thompson. The two arranged a method where Thompson would TiVo the previous night's shows, watch them, and then sit with Whitaker and explain what was going to happen while watching the episode. "When Sheila started explaining the TV shows, it all started to make sense. Those people on the screen were just like us, except with super-powers, laughing audiences, and over-the-top libidos."

Just last week, Lois Whitaker went to the movie theater for the first time on her own. "I could understand what was going on: what the main character was seeing and feeling and why he wanted to make that factory explode." Nowadays, Ms. Lois Whitaker is finally living life to the fullest, watching an average of 10 hours of TV a day. "Now I can finally see the television, not as something to fear, but rather something that can show me the latest celebrity gossip, stupid animal tricks, and 5-hour marathons of Gilmore Girls."

The Nielsen Rating center estimates that upwards of five American citizens don't know how to watch television or movies, but with recent education efforts, Nielsen thinks they get that number down to four by 2015.

Preview of the Splinternet

In order to free ourselves from the king of the internet we here at bang ban are currently working on developing the next vehicle for social media…the splinternet! This is for those among us who enjoy freedom and awesome shit. Is that you? Or is that me? Or is that us? Or is that some sort of group of the previous questions? I love freedom and thus you will all be able to get a sneak peek into what lies ahead for you and your mama and everybody on this world.

Key features of the splinternet:

1. Face recognition technology. A webcam will be needed on every monitor for those that will be using the splinternet. This is so our patented technology can determine exactly who is masturbating and when. This information will be compiled and used to the advantage of its creators. There will be many graphs and charts created with names and pictures of people in the middle of the act so mothers, co-workers and creepjobs can always know that you are defiling your body.
   
2. Super Twitter. At the bottom of your monitor will be a bar showing everyone’s tweets from everyone’s account at once. If there is more than one person at a time using Twitter then each tweet will be shown on top of each other. Each tweet is updated every 0.5 seconds. Super Twitter = Super Social.
   
3. More random pictures. Sure you think the internet has increased our ability to see random fucking shit we never thought we would ever see when we were young lads and ladies. On the splinternet you will not need a keyboard because we will control what you need to see. This will include seemingly random pictures of the following:
   a. War
   b. Sex
   c. Animals
   d. Mythical Creatures
   e. Harps
   f. Harpoons
   g. Ducks with Harpoons in them
   h. Infinity
   i. Double Jumps
   j. Great Apes
   k. Phegstars
   
4. Ultra Twitter. To use the splinternet you will need special speakers to handle Ultra Twitter. These are seemingly normal speakers except you are unable to adjust the volume levels. Also, volume levels are always set at as high as the speaker can handle. When you are on the splinternet Ultra Twitter is always active. Ultra Twitter reads every tweet that is created out loud sending them through the specially made splinternet speakers to your ears. Ultra Twitter = Ultra Social.
   
5. Sports. At the top of the screen will be a bar that will take up the top half of the screen. This is called your Sports Properload Bar. In this space you will watch every sporting event that is currently on any form of media that is currently being watched by anyone in the world. Each event gets smaller on your screen as more events are taking place. This is great for those of you who are into fantasy Lithuanian pig fighting.
   

So that’s about it. Our lives are about to get way more social. If you want to see this happen send us $2 or something. You can reach us at the following address: bang ban, Main St., United States of America, Earth

This is what we believe a young woman enjoying the splinternet would look like.

This is what we believe a young man enjoying the splinternet would look like.

Bicycles!!!!

Congratulations, hippy! You got a bike. This means you either took money from your organic co-op's weed fund, or one of your more successful friends took pity on you. Regardless of who you stole it from, this bike marks a new chapter in your life. You undoubtedly have questions, and since you are most likely under house arrest in your barn-cum-industrial-loft, I will provide you with all of the information you need right here.

You are probably wondering, what now? Well, the first, most obvious first step would be to ride it. Haha, Slow the fuck down you hairy man-ape! Before you sully your two-wheeled girlfriend with the dirt of the road and your blood, you need to work on your image. You can start by telling all of your friends that you now are a cyclist, and find their car dependent opulence disgusting. Make sure to link their lifestyles to the Exxon Valdez oil spill, or at the very least, the Boston Molasses Disaster. Once you have sufficiently shamed them into hating you forever, it is now time to concentrate on your outward appearance.

There are only two types of people who ride bikes, homosexual businessman, and broke hippy losers. Since we have established that you fall into the latter category, we will dress you accordingly. This will be exceedingly simple since you probably have the pieces required currently on your person. Your flannel shirt? Roll up the sleeves. Your pants? Cut them three inches above the knee. Holy shit, you look fantastic, no one will want to hit you with their car at all!

Now you are ready to ride. Pedal to go forward, and try not to hit anything because it or you will die.

THE END.

The Official Flag of the bang ban Liberation Army

With this flag flying over our heads we are going to free ourselves from the opression of the king of the internet. Join us in 2011 on the splinternet.

(No SSubbjjeecctt)

What's the deal with fish tacos?

YETI ATTACK!

Welcome II

The second rule of Burrito Town

always present burrito with two hands before consumption.