Bang-Ban

Congratulations Baltimore Orioles!

2011-11-11T09:13:00.001-05:00

This is your new general manager:

http://bang-ban.blogspot.com/2009/04/sports.html

Wizard Cop - The Graphic Novel

2011-01-16T13:50:00.004-05:00

Wizard Cop

2010-12-29T08:48:00.002-05:00

Frank Irons was a regular cop from Detroit, just like you or me. One day, while policing a bus of orphans and nuns, the unthinkable happened. The bus was hijacked and while Frank struggled to save them, the bus was driven off a cliff killing everyone.

Stricken with grief and regret, Frank took to the woods to find himself and the strength to never let this happen again. For two years he wandered, until coming across an old shack, deep within the belly of the forest. He entered and was greeted by an old man who said, "Frank, I have been waiting for you. It appears you are finally ready." Frank looked back stoically and simply said, "I know."

For two more years Frank trained in the woods with the old man. He may have entered the forest as a cop, he would be leaving as a Wizard Cop.

Elixir J.C. Washington

2010-11-11T20:55:00.002-05:00

I don't know what this means, but it looks like it's supposed to be the opening line of a movie. I say that because it was saved on my computer with the file name movie.txt. I don't know what type of movie it would be. Perhaps some sort of cerebral thriller. I'm thinking maybe it would be about a guy who wakes up one day and suddenly it's as if all of his friends and girlfriend don't exist. Elixir then tries to piece together what is happening to him and what is his real life. Who knows what I was thinking at the time, I just pulled that off the top of my head.

My name is Elixir J.C. Washington. I go to college in the big city, but my bed resides in the not so big city.

I live here. All my friends live here. And my girlfriend Mary lives, here, because she loves rainbows.

Quotes That Need to be in Movies

2010-11-08T22:15:00.002-05:00

These are quotes that I overheard or said that I apparently thought belonged in a moviefilm that at some point I would make. One of these ended up in a Radio Bang Ban. So I guess that's something.

"And all these years I thought she was asian."

"Then why are you so parallel?"

*walks into someone* "Sorry."

"Why? We all have to be somewhere."

"Let's see, wallet (touches wallet), keys (touches keys), stenographer. Good to go."

"Bring me the jar of Homo Juice!"

"She's like the Wedge in the movie of my life."

Apparently I couldn't find me keys at the time

2010-11-07T12:07:00.002-05:00

In continuing with my never finishing things theme, here are lyrics I wrote during a brainstorming session. They aren't in any specific order. I guess this is kind of cheating because I did use one of these verses in an actual song. Let's see if you can pick it out. The rest of the lyrics I don't even remember writing.

Your personality’s flatter than a tapestry
A map you see
Leading me to the fallacy
Of your life, your strife
Don’t tell me that you’re all right

So why don’t you tell me a story
Of Yogi Bear and Sunday morning
Smiling like a catastrophe
You don’t ask for me
A plastic city
Of your faith, of your time, of your bite, of your rhyme,
Of your rock, of your lie, of the just, and the cr-cr-cr-cr-crime,

Reveal

Of the moon, of the tide, of the just, of the line,
Of the man, of the sign, of the heart, of the mind,
Of your king, of your blind, of your sight, of your kind,
Of your rape, of your sins, of your hate, of your kin,
Of your safe, of your gin, of your lace, of your tin,
Of your gait, of your walk, of your rate, of your talk,
Of your graph, of your pie, of your laugh, of your sigh
Of your wrath, of your tie, of your path, to the grind

My eyes are watching as my head is looking at the stars
The rocks outside have lost their luster
The trees outside are sagging with the weather
And I cannot find where I left my keys

My car is crowded with the leftovers from last night
The train is filled with walking checkbooks
The streets are paved with broken concrete
And I cannot find where I left my keys

Every new beginning...

2010-11-04T22:06:00.003-04:00

The theme of this week is unfinished ideas. I often come up with movie ideas or the first couple pages of short stories, but get distracted and never fully finish them or even get them started. For some reason it seems that I get enamored with some idea or thought and yet I lose interest quickly. This means I have a lot of partial projects and very few finished ones. There are song lyrics and no music, music without lyrics, movies that will never be filmed (like Ninja L), stories that will never be finished and so on. For the most part, I like the ideas I come up with. It just is more fun coming up with the idea than actually executing it. So, I have decided to dig through my archives and bring out some of the good ideas and, to counteract that, some of the horrible ones. We started off with Ninja L. I now give you the first and only two paragraphs from the story, The Fairview Incident. I probably wrote this when I was depressed at college, because it was going to be a dark mystery. It's also pretty clear that I never revisited it. In case you didn't know Fairview was a small town.

The Fairview Incident

It’s been raining now for the past five days. The 10-Day forecast calls for more rain. Puddles have accumulated throughout the town and the rivers are at the highest levels they have been in 80 years. To most the nonstop rain elicits the memories of stories heard long ago of Noah and his Ark, the story of God washing away the face of the earth with water. If you ask me though, rain like this reminds me of a small town called Fairview.

Fairview was a small town in western Massachusetts. The town was split in two by the Pentuckett River. One day, in 1945, the river rose more than 7 feet. The town was flooded, the livestock drowned. Everyone in the town was killed by the flood and its destructive path. The rain purged the town in a matter of a day, yet neighboring towns felt not a drop of precipitation upon them. So today the forecast calls for heavy rain and I close my eyes and think of the Fairview Incident.

A Classic.

2010-11-02T22:10:00.000-04:00

Ninja L

2010-11-02T21:29:00.002-04:00

Ninja L is a film that was never finished. It was barely started. It certainly was never supposed to be made. That could be because it is too awe inspiring and totally original. Of course it could be because I have a job, few willing actors, no real resources and not nearly enough drive to actually work on it. Either way the "screenplay" reads more like a lazy short story than anything. Feel free to give it a read for some good times. If you want to make it yourself you are welcome to.

Ninja L

Twitter

2010-10-31T09:37:00.002-04:00

Bang-Ban can hardly sustain itself as a blog, so it seemed like a good idea to move into Twitter as well. With a little luck, you will now get the same months of nothingness from two locations.

To find us just search for bighawkbird on the Twitter website. Getting to the Twitter website is easy. Simply search for Google in Yahoo!, then when you get to Google search for Wikipedia. Once you are on the Wikipedia page search for Twitter. The link should be on the page somewhere.

Except the little fish...

2010-10-12T15:50:00.002-04:00

Radio Bang Ban - Episode 4

2010-09-18T10:51:00.007-04:00

Another episode of Radio Bang Ban is upon us. In this episode you will:

Feel wistful about all of the Planet of the Apes related material
Angry about all the good times related material

Wait, maybe it's the other way around. The world may never know. All I know is someone is going to be angry about something.

See all the episodes here: http://www.archive.org/details/RadioBangBan

Netflix Trivia

2010-08-23T11:28:00.001-04:00

The hottest new game on the block is Netflix Trivia. Check it out or check it in!

Radio Bang Ban - Episode 3

2010-08-10T22:23:00.005-04:00

Well we are back again boppers with yet another episode of Radio Bang Ban.

On this episode you will:

Learn about the Jewish culture
Remember your childhood
Wonder why your ears are bleeding

Go here for all of the episodes

A movie from the archives

2010-03-29T18:29:00.001-04:00

PASSING THE BAR

A tax attorney (Christian Bale) with a chronic gambling problem finds himself trapped in China, his passport confiscated by a local loan shark (Jackie Chan). He'll have to win back his passport and his freedom by competing in the underground Chinese limbo circuit. But will he be able to defeat the reigning champion (Gary Oldman) in time to catch his flight?

Radio Bang Ban - Episode 2

2010-03-09T09:05:00.003-05:00

Well we are already posting episode two of Radio Bang Ban. Don't get used to it being so frequent because this breakneck pace isn't going to keep up. I will try to provide a new episode periodically, but it is starting to get warm out and I am easily distracted by beautiful butterflies. In any case, we have a new, Eric Kuo heavy, episode for you featuring:

I Think moments with The Money Train
A song from Eric Kuo
Eric Kuo explains the plot to Dreamscape

I am trying out some new taglines for the show here on the blog. What do you think of this one?

Radio Bang Ban: It's like NPR, but with cussin'.

To listen on the go click here

Radio Bang Ban

2010-03-06T09:20:00.002-05:00

Hello Kiddies. I know it's been a while, but The Money Train is back and he's brought goodies. Today we have for you, the first episode of Radio Bang Ban. What is Radio Bang Ban? Only the hottest new thing in the ever! It's a collection of stories, interviews, music and the absurd. In today's episode you will hear:

A story by Matthew Long Middleton
Music from Roy G. BV
Late Breaking Fantasy Baseball News
A jealous GPS

Click here to download and listen on your new fangled listening devices

Chapter 14. End.

2010-02-07T08:44:00.004-05:00

It's a glorious and yet a sad day in bang ban history. Before you is the final chapter of Times of Tension or Welcome to the Pre-apocalyptic Wasteland. It's been quite a run. This also means that the re-branding of old material is at an end. Although, word has it the author has thoughts of an animated film in the future, however the rumors still have yet to be confirmed.

We do have the honor today or unveiling the new cover art for the audiobook. Isn't that nice? Well I suppose we should get to it. Here is the riveting conclusion to TOTOWTTPAW.

As always, if you want to download this chapter or any other you can follow this link. In fact you can download the whole audiobook at once or listen to it all the way through on the player.

CHAPTER 13.

2010-02-02T09:05:00.003-05:00

Well we have come to the final week of TOTOWTTPAW. This is the second to last chapter, so enjoy it while you can. We will have the unveiling of the final installment to great fanfare later this week. And now enjoy this picture.

Oh, and Chapter 13.

Reversal of Length

2010-01-30T00:03:00.000-05:00

Funny comment. End.

Sponsorship

2010-01-30T00:00:00.002-05:00

http://www.baseball-reference.com/players/o/ortizda01.shtml

In case you haven't heard we are sponsoring David Ortiz's Baseball Reference page. If you have heard you probably haven't seen the new message. Fun.

Good Hotobenala to You.

2010-01-28T15:14:00.001-05:00

I have devised the first annual Hotobenala to be celebrated on the second Saturday in April. This holiday is one of friends, food, good times, and childish name calling. It has many traditions indeed and to celebrate properly there is a pretty strict schedule you must adhere to. In this manual I will lay out what a purely orthodox Hotobenala entails.

The day involves many activities, but is mostly centered on copious amounts of movie watching. It is to be predetermined the number of movies to be watched by popular vote. However, you may never watch fewer than three movies or more than five.

Each attendee is to bring one movie to the gathering. This can be a movie of any length or genre. In order to choose the three to five movies to view, a game of Apples to Apples is to be played. The first three to five guests to collect two cards get the privilege of having their movie shown. The order of the movies will correspond to the order in which guests win in the game of Apples to Apples. Even if there are not enough people to have any removed by this process the game must still be played to determine the order. After you have collected two cards you are to remove yourself from the game.

The identity of the movies is to be kept secret until it is time to watch them. Movies are to be brought in a bag or container which hides their identity so that no one may know. You may not divulge what movie you have brought until it is time to watch it. However, phrases such as, “Oh man, my movie is so good” and “You are all going to hate my movie” are perfectly welcome. There are no vetoes allowed.

It is also important to adhere to the proper dress code. Only tee shirts and sweatpants or pajama pants are allowed. Long sleeve tee shirts are acceptable. Any attire may be covered by a sweatshirt or jacket as long as it is determined that the wearer indeed has on a tee shirt and the proper pants.

If it is determined that a guest is not wearing proper attire they are to be demeaned in the Circle of Ridicule. The ceremony of the Circle of Ridicule will commence after the choosing of the movies. The guest who has come to the party unprepared with be placed on the floor surrounded by the rest of the guests. Each properly dressed guest will be allowed to make a statement ridiculing the guest in the middle of the circle. Should more than one guest not be dressed properly they are all to sit in the middle and other guests will get to make a statement about each person. Also, throughout the entire ceremony the song Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus is to be played. The song will be repeated as necessary.

Should everyone adhere to the dress code then one of the guests who did not have their movie selected is randomly placed in the middle of the circle determined by choosing Scrabble letters out of a bag. Closest to Z gets sent to the circle. If all movies are being shown because there are not enough guests to have any removed during the selection process than it is determined that you do not have enough friends and each guest is to ridicule the other guests. All ridicules are to be given simultaneously.

The Breaking of Small Objects is to follow the Circle of Ridicule. Each person is to bring one small object to break via crushing, slicing, ripping, tearing, explosion or any other method. The entire party will go to a designated breaking area and each person will have the chance to destroy the item they have brought. If any person has not had their movie selected and has also been subject to the Circle of Ridicule then they are allowed to take any other persons object and destroy that as well as their own. The person whose object is taken does not get to break anything and is thus sad.

The remnants of the destroyed items are to be placed in a clear container and placed near the television in which the movies are to be watched so as they will be in eyesight the entire day.
The Watching of the Many Movies follows the Breaking of Small Objects. Movies are to be watched back to back with 15-30 minute breaks in between for the preparation of food and bathroom visits.

There is no traditional Hotobenala food; however, it is encouraged that no entrée be served. A series of delicious appetizers made before the Watching of the Many Movies and in between each movie is advised.

After the Watching of Many Movies a series of hugs and well wishes is to be given to each guest before departure.

She really enjoys the Breaking of Small Objects. Although she would be ridiculed for her improper attire.

GET TO THE CHOPPER! IT'S CHAPTER 12!

2010-01-28T11:43:00.003-05:00

Chapter 12 is here. Let us all pray that 13 will follow shortly. We are watching you so if you aren't praying for real we won't release Chapter 13.

Chapter 11...

2010-01-25T14:49:00.003-05:00

If you can all quiet down you can listen to Chapter 11 in peace. I SAID QUIET DOWN. Here is Chapter 11.

Is Dustin Pedroia a Peanut?

2010-01-24T13:22:00.003-05:00

Figure 1: Dustin Pedroia...something about a peanut...good god, what am I doing with my life?

Boston, MA - Sources close to the Red Sox second baseman...yeah, even I can't write this story three days in a row.

Is David Ortiz a Peanut?

2010-01-23T12:39:00.008-05:00

Figure 1: David Ortiz and Terry Francona, most likely discussing what it is like to be a peanut

Boston, MA - Late breaking news for you today folks. It appears that our story about Terry Francona being a peanut has drummed up panic in the clubhouse as David Ortiz has fled the country under suspicion that he too is a peanut.

Unnamed sources within the organization contacted bang ban to tell us that we were looking in the right place, but that, "This shit goes deeper than you would ever imagine."

The only question left is whether or not general manager Theo Epstein knew about this situation before bringing in multiple peanuts to lead his team. The evidence sure is damning. The following is an email between Epstein and former assistant general manager Josh Byrnes in 2003 before the acquisition of David Ortiz.

From: Josh Byrnes (jbone@redsox.com)

To: Theo Epstein (tbone@redsox.com)

T-Bone,

Our scouts have looked at Ortiz and believe he could be an asset to the team. His bat speed looks good. He could provide quality depth behind Giambi.

However, he does demonstrate peanutesque tendencies when at the plate. We can't be certain, but his agent did say we would be getting "the best bag of warm Ortizes in the country" if we signed him.

Love,

J-Bone

While this doesn't prove if the organization was certain about whether or not Big Papi was a peanut, it sure seems to show that they at least had their doubts. I don't know about you, but since I was a child I was always told, "If you think it's a peanut simply walk away and tell the authorities."

Certainly his leaving the country can only mean one thing, he is a peanut. The shame of the truth has caused him to run. There is no other explanation.

Are none of our heroes who we think they are these days? In this reporters opinion, some are, some are not.

In other news, David Ortiz killed a man with a pistol during a 1700's style duel yesterday.

Figure 2: An artist rendition of the assumed true form of David Ortiz

Is Tito a Peanut?

2010-01-22T17:50:00.003-05:00

Figure 1: You aren't fooling anyone Terry

Boston, MA – There is a growing concern flowing through Red Sox nation and if rumors are true that concern could turn towards full on controversy.

For years now, we local sports fans have watched as the local nine don their uniforms and gloves and take to the diamond within the cathedral called Fenway Park. Since 2004 these muscular specimens have been led by a bald beauty. A man most of us consider to be one of the greatest leaders of Boston’s red sock wearing boys of summer. But recently this reporter has had his doubts about the legitimacy of this man’s tenure. In what is surely to be a mind blowing pronouncement I would like to offer to you evidence that will without a doubt prove to you that Terry Francona is indeed a peanut.

I first noticed his peculiar situation when he was on a talk show sans hat. If you look closely at the shape of his cranium I believe there are hints of ridges which could only be one thing, the shell of a peanut.

In recent years he has been battling many ailments which we have been told have dealt with injuries related to his back, knees, and as doctors put it, “Not his thin shell.” Also, he wears jackets all year. Is this to keep himself warm due to poor blood circulation or to hide the fact that he does not have arms?

A recent interview with ferd was indeed very revealing. When this reporter pushed him to provide an answer to whether or not Francona was a delicious salty treat things got very tense. After contemplating the question ferd leaned in to within inches of my face and said, “Probably…Probably.”

You may not be able to believe it, but his fantasy football team in a league run by WEEI, a local Boston AM sports station, was named Tito’s Peanuts. Being a bit obvious are we not?

Mr. Francona was asked to comment on the situation and simply stated, “What?” Furthermore, when licked on the head to confirm a salty disposition he had me removed from the restaurant that he and his family were currently eating in.

While I have yet to crack the shell of this story I think the circumstantial evidence is overwhelming. This is the biggest sports scandal since it was proved that Joe Torre was legally dead from 2001 through 2004.

Figure 2: An artist rendition of the assumed true form of Terry Francona

For your pleasure, Chapter 10.

2010-01-22T11:25:00.007-05:00

Chapter 10 is here. Feel free to listen to it with your ears or any other body part that may enjoy some soothing audiobook stories.

Chapter 10 Download

Fortune Cookie Mash-Ups

2010-01-21T17:07:00.002-05:00

This is a new segment on bang-ban in which we take multiple fortune cookies messages and put them together to create new and more poignant messages. Let's get to it.

Loving is sharing benefits in marble.
Your future and you will always move forward.
The change you started already have rainbows of happiness.
Write injuries in dust. Be ready.
Get your goals high as the lofty heaven.
As boundless as far reaching effects.

Can you figure out what the original messages were? Hint: There are five fortunes which were split into six fortunes during this mash-up.

Chapter 9, Stitches!

2010-01-19T22:18:00.003-05:00

Uh oh. We've gotten word from the author that the final six chapters of TOTOWTTPAW have been been recorded and are ready for release. Put on your chaps and jump on your horse because we are off and running. We are looking to release a couple a week again so keep checking back.

Caption Contest!

2010-01-17T19:33:00.000-05:00

Chapter 8! It's Finally Here!

2010-01-14T09:09:00.003-05:00

Well after a long wait Chapter 8 is here. See the main issue is that Chapter 7 saw it's shadow and this called for a few weeks of nothing being released. Also, the author's wife kept wanted to do things with him and whatnot.

In case you don't feel like going back a few posts to find it you can follow this link to download this chapter or any others.

PS Thanks for waiting. I believe this is the longest chapter so I assume it was well worth the wait. Also, don't worry yourself over the poor reading of this chapter.

Poetry

2009-12-29T16:40:00.002-05:00

I was inspired to craft this poem after reflecting on my time with bang ban.

Ban Ban Bang Money Train
by The Money Train

Crash, bang, whimper
My baby's got a temper
Burn, burn, where does it burn?
You ask, but you can't tell
You tell, but you can't tell
If only
Once, twice
Social networking all at once
Cover your ears
His heart is shaped like a leaf
A leaf floats through the air
Burn, burn, where does it burn?
Oh god, down there it burns
Underneath the dying light
His heart does beat from this flying flight
Emotions in my face
Hit on the head with a knowledge bomb
It hurts
Ow, my Pride
David Ortiz
Dan Duquette

MATHAMAGATICS!

2009-12-29T09:52:00.003-05:00

Do this math problem without scrolling down for the answer:

5
+11
-33
-33
x3
+4
-9
x13
+2000
+2000
-90
+114
+1

What does that equal?

The answer to the problem?

2010! Why do this excercise? Choose your own Adventure!

1) I am female
2) I am male

1) I just needed a reason to distract you so I could unhook your bra.

2) MATH IS FUN ISN'T IT?!?!?!?

ban-ban-bang Money Train

2009-12-11T13:10:00.001-05:00

Your #1 source for ban-ban-bang Money Train!

Secrets of Bang-Ban Series: Part 1 - Search Engine Optimization

2009-12-11T12:27:00.018-05:00

Dear Internet User,

Regardless of how you got here, or how many times you've been here, you are all probably wondering this: how is it that Bang-Ban is so popular while my e-website languishes in some dark corner of the blogotruck? What is their secret? Why do computers no longer beep when they're upset?

In the spirit of open knowledge, I've decided to start the Secrets of Bang-Ban Series to help answer these AND OTHER questions. You will get an inside look into the behind-the-scenes secret-backdoor-password-protected-clandestine-invisible-woman part of Bang-Ban and your brain will probably get much bigger or something.

Part 1 is about Search Engines.

Here is the list of keywords that have led people to Bang-Ban. Let us analyze it together.

Note: This is real and very secret so be careful when discussing this in public or in private.

1. I have no idea.

2., 3. For some reason we are the only website still talking about Dan Duquette.

4. Birds and shit

5. Some one was looking for real information and was cruelly misled

6. Self-explanatory

11., 12., 13., 17. People don't know how to operate their browser

7., 9., 10., 14. Porn related. This is no accident.

16. Fucking awesome

18., 20. I forget

19. I don't get it

21. TOP SECRET.

The end. You're welcome.

Chapter 7, it is.

2009-12-11T09:08:00.000-05:00

Well, here is chapter 7. I have implanted those brain slug things from the Wrath of Khan in it. So you should probably listen to it as soon as possible. I need someone to get me a soda.

Chapter 7

PS There is a good chance that there may be a bit of a lull until the next chapter. I have only recorded through chapter 7 so now it's all about how motivated I am...

Excuses for not Posting

2009-12-09T09:30:00.002-05:00

There hasn't been many posts lately. This is everybody's excuse. (Note: I am only finishing this post because the Money Train called me out)

Thorsberg

Physics lab at which he works produced a toxic batch of physics. It is now his job to either clean up or turn into a super hero.

Ferd

Too much free time to post, brain overwhelmed by lack of structure. Trying to learn how to cook a mean Grouse.

Money Train

"I AM Posting. I am the ONLY one posting. You guys do nothing. Why does no one listen to my audio book. I am a tool. I quit and am going to start a rival blog about sports and being a tool."

His Fingers Would Be So Cold.

2009-12-08T09:05:00.002-05:00

Check out David Ortiz on baseball-reference.com. bang-ban is blowing up.

I Would Just Like to Point Out...

2009-12-07T09:06:00.001-05:00

...That on 11/30/2009 ferd started a draft of a post entitled, "Excuses for not posting".

Chapter 6 & Exciting New News!

2009-12-04T09:30:00.003-05:00

You may have noticed a change in the way we are presenting Times of Tension or Welcome to the Pre-Apocalyptic Wasteland. We here at bang ban were able to convince the author that his work is so important that it needs to be saved for future generations. To this end TOTOWTTPAW has been uploaded to archive.org.

We will continue to provide links and embed the audio into the blog for your pleasure, but if you fall behind or want to download a zip file with all of the chapters or download the couple of chapters you missed you can go to the archive.org page via this link: http://www.archive.org/details/TimesOfTensionOrWelcomeToThePre-apocalypticWasteland

OR you can simply go to archive.org and use the search engine. The TOTOWTTPAW page also has a playlist containing each of the chapters available so far so you can listen straight through without having to click on each chapter (as you would have to on the blog). Also, if you feel like leaving a glorious review you can do so.

Anyways, down to business. Here is Chapter 6.

Bang Ban's Super Bang Bang Halloween Party!

2009-12-02T13:04:00.003-05:00

Join us on October 31st, 2009 at 8PM for bang ban's Super Bang Bang Halloween Party! We are very excited for the thirteenth annual bang ban halloween party, which will be held in the old giant warehouse down the street due to the massive demand in previous years. We are going to deck out the place and have hired the worlds foremost goat impersonators as well as the worlds foremost human impersonators. The human impersonators are themselves goats.

As in previous years this party ends when the last person leaves. The music will keep pumping and the dancing will keep getting sweatier until the warehouse is cleared out. Free food will be available and everyone is entitled to one free drink.

We have hired Moby to lay down some badass beats for THE ENTIRE TIME! He cost a buttload, but you have come to expect a certain level of quality from the bang ban Super Bang Bang Halloween Party.

Also, remember to bring a towel because there are going to be bubble machines throughout the warehouse and multiple mud wrestling pits. Feel free to wash yourself off in the coed showers afterwards.

We have purchased a high definition project which will throw up a 200 foot picture on the wall. What will we be watching? A preview of the splinternet.

So come on down and check it out. You ain't never been to a party like this. And remember, you won't be allowed in without a goat costume.

Goat or man? They are very good.

UPDATE - 12/2/2009: Due to a technical error this invite was not sent out until today. We at Bang Ban regret this mistake. Thorsberg, ferd and I had a good time even if we were the only non goat impersonating humans there (including Moby).

Chapter 5

2009-12-01T09:12:00.011-05:00

Sometimes I worry about bear attacks. Here is chapter 5.

Chapter 5

A Special Holiday Treat: Chapter 4

2009-11-27T13:11:00.009-05:00

Please enjoy this chapter carefully. This product should only be ingested through your ears.

Chapter 4

Chapter 3 AND an Exciting Offer!

2009-11-23T11:32:00.015-05:00

First of all, the latest chapter of TOTOWTTPAW is available below:

Chapter 3

But there is more...We at bang ban have been in talks with the author and he is willing to provide three great packages that we are thrilled to be able to offer to you.

The Super - After the conclusion of the entire release of TOTOWTTPAW through the exclusive release with bang ban you will receive a CD version of the entire story with special audio commentary not available anywhere else. This package costs a mere $5.

The Deluxe - Along with the exclusive CD this package contains a paper copy of TOTOWTTPAW including the brand new foreword created for the audio book. This package will only put you back $10.

The Super Deluxe - You will receive everything available in the Super and the Deluxe as well as a paper copy of TOTOWTTPAW signed by the author himself. Personalizations are welcome. You will also receive copies of original notes written by the author. This gives you a unique look into the creative mind. If this still isn't enough, if you order this package each chapter will be available to you before it is available to the general public through bang ban. All this for a scant $15.

If you are interested in purchasing any of these packages you can email the author directly at adamjayperry@gmail.com with the subject, "TOTOWTTPAW".

Times of Tension or Welcome to the Pre-Apocalyptic Wasteland THE AUDIOBOOK!

2009-11-18T12:27:00.018-05:00

You've all been waiting and waiting for something new, something fresh, something with a little punch. Well wait no longer because for the first time ever the critically acclaimed Adam Perry fable, Times of Tension or Welcome to the Pre-Apocalyptic Wasteland is being released as an audiobook containing an all new foreword written by the author. Adam Perry reads the story himself, bringing to life the tale that we have all grown so fond.

Today we are releasing the foreword as well as Chapter 1 and Chapter 2. Check back frequently to hear further chapters as we will be uploading them periodically.

Foreword

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Just Hold On A Little Longer

2009-11-17T09:11:00.002-05:00

Hello everyone. We know November has been a slow month for bang ban. We just wanted to let everyone know that we are working on something new that will be well worth the wait. We don't want to give away anymore information, but check back in the next few days for some new goodies. In the meantime you can enjoy this picture:

Bang-Ban Wisdom #3

2009-10-30T09:16:00.002-04:00

In the land of the blind the man with one eye is king, but in the land of the deaf everyone can tell he's creepy looking.

shiiiiiiii

2009-10-21T16:19:00.002-04:00

--IMPORTANT NEWS--

2009-10-16T16:57:00.003-04:00

ferd is gone so it's time to ruin the blog again. Does the picture below make you uncomfortable? It makes me uncomfortable. You shouldn't be able to find stock photos this disturbing. I did though. I was looking for a random photo and the first query I made was for "fighting couples". What do you think this means? Do the people below look like a couple? I don't think domestic abuse is funny. Why is there a stock photo for domestic abuse? He better holster that gun. Things could get out of hand quick in his state of mind and he could do something he will regret. If you stare at the woman long enough does it look like the woman is enjoying it? I think she is a little. Just look at her face and it will eventually look like she is laughing. It's like that drawing where it's a duck if you look at it one way and a rabbit if you look at it another. I hope you all enjoy your weekend.

Bang Ban Wisdom #2

2009-10-08T08:27:00.002-04:00

"You love sports, gambling, and horses, but not to excess."

- true statement from a fortune cookie.

Bang-Ban Wisdom #1

2009-10-07T22:46:00.002-04:00

GOING FOR BROKE IS EASY IF YOU ARE BROKE

Area Woman Admits She Doesn't Know How to Watch TV, Movies

2009-10-02T10:19:00.005-04:00

Fairfax, VA - For the last 30 years, Lois Whitaker has been forced to hide her shame, that she never learned how to watch television.

Whitaker's life of secrecy started at an early age. Raised in an affluent community with a strong school system, Whitaker was taught at an early age how to learn and be entertained by newspapers and books. It wasn't until she received a scholarship to UCLA that she realized that she didn't know how to watch TV.

"I was invited to a friend's dorm room the first week of classes, and I was totally surprised to see them watching television. Although I had never seen one, I had seen pictures and read about them in magazines like TV guide and Entertainment Weekly," said Whitaker. "I couldn't understand what they were watching, but from their reactions, I knew when to groan or laugh along with everyone else. I couldn't watch television, but I could read people."

Graduating with a double major in History and Germanic languages, Whitaker was able to hide her shame throughout college, but Whitaker says that in the last few years her problem was gotten worse. "It got to the point where I was sneaking newspapers into people's homes when I was invited over, because I was worried we'd end up watching a movie or TV show after dinner. If the lights went down for a movie, I'd try to sit behind everyone or take a long trip to the bathroom to read the business section," said Whitaker. That's when she finally sought help.

Last year, Whitaker admitted her secret to her closest friend, Sheila Thompson. The two arranged a method where Thompson would TiVo the previous night's shows, watch them, and then sit with Whitaker and explain what was going to happen while watching the episode. "When Sheila started explaining the TV shows, it all started to make sense. Those people on the screen were just like us, except with super-powers, laughing audiences, and over-the-top libidos."

Just last week, Lois Whitaker went to the movie theater for the first time on her own. "I could understand what was going on: what the main character was seeing and feeling and why he wanted to make that factory explode." Nowadays, Ms. Lois Whitaker is finally living life to the fullest, watching an average of 10 hours of TV a day. "Now I can finally see the television, not as something to fear, but rather something that can show me the latest celebrity gossip, stupid animal tricks, and 5-hour marathons of Gilmore Girls."

The Nielsen Rating center estimates that upwards of five American citizens don't know how to watch television or movies, but with recent education efforts, Nielsen thinks they get that number down to four by 2015.

Preview of the Splinternet

2009-09-17T14:20:00.006-04:00

In order to free ourselves from the king of the internet we here at bang ban are currently working on developing the next vehicle for social media…the splinternet! This is for those among us who enjoy freedom and awesome shit. Is that you? Or is that me? Or is that us? Or is that some sort of group of the previous questions? I love freedom and thus you will all be able to get a sneak peek into what lies ahead for you and your mama and everybody on this world.

Key features of the splinternet:

Face recognition technology. A webcam will be needed on every monitor for those that will be using the splinternet. This is so our patented technology can determine exactly who is masturbating and when. This information will be compiled and used to the advantage of its creators. There will be many graphs and charts created with names and pictures of people in the middle of the act so mothers, co-workers and creepjobs can always know that you are defiling your body.
Super Twitter. At the bottom of your monitor will be a bar showing everyone’s tweets from everyone’s account at once. If there is more than one person at a time using Twitter then each tweet will be shown on top of each other. Each tweet is updated every 0.5 seconds. Super Twitter = Super Social.
More random pictures. Sure you think the internet has increased our ability to see random fucking shit we never thought we would ever see when we were young lads and ladies. On the splinternet you will not need a keyboard because we will control what you need to see. This will include seemingly random pictures of the following:
a. War
b. Sex
c. Animals
d. Mythical Creatures
e. Harps
f. Harpoons
g. Ducks with Harpoons in them
h. Infinity
i. Double Jumps
j. Great Apes
k. Phegstars
Ultra Twitter. To use the splinternet you will need special speakers to handle Ultra Twitter. These are seemingly normal speakers except you are unable to adjust the volume levels. Also, volume levels are always set at as high as the speaker can handle. When you are on the splinternet Ultra Twitter is always active. Ultra Twitter reads every tweet that is created out loud sending them through the specially made splinternet speakers to your ears. Ultra Twitter = Ultra Social.
Sports. At the top of the screen will be a bar that will take up the top half of the screen. This is called your Sports Properload Bar. In this space you will watch every sporting event that is currently on any form of media that is currently being watched by anyone in the world. Each event gets smaller on your screen as more events are taking place. This is great for those of you who are into fantasy Lithuanian pig fighting.

So that’s about it. Our lives are about to get way more social. If you want to see this happen send us $2 or something. You can reach us at the following address: bang ban, Main St., United States of America, Earth

This is what we believe a young woman enjoying the splinternet would look like.

This is what we believe a young man enjoying the splinternet would look like.

Bicycles!!!!

2009-09-17T13:58:00.005-04:00

Congratulations, hippy! You got a bike. This means you either took money from your organic co-op's weed fund, or one of your more successful friends took pity on you. Regardless of who you stole it from, this bike marks a new chapter in your life. You undoubtedly have questions, and since you are most likely under house arrest in your barn-cum-industrial-loft, I will provide you with all of the information you need right here.

You are probably wondering, what now? Well, the first, most obvious first step would be to ride it. Haha, Slow the fuck down you hairy man-ape! Before you sully your two-wheeled girlfriend with the dirt of the road and your blood, you need to work on your image. You can start by telling all of your friends that you now are a cyclist, and find their car dependent opulence disgusting. Make sure to link their lifestyles to the Exxon Valdez oil spill, or at the very least, the Boston Molasses Disaster. Once you have sufficiently shamed them into hating you forever, it is now time to concentrate on your outward appearance.

There are only two types of people who ride bikes, homosexual businessman, and broke hippy losers. Since we have established that you fall into the latter category, we will dress you accordingly. This will be exceedingly simple since you probably have the pieces required currently on your person. Your flannel shirt? Roll up the sleeves. Your pants? Cut them three inches above the knee. Holy shit, you look fantastic, no one will want to hit you with their car at all!

Now you are ready to ride. Pedal to go forward, and try not to hit anything because it or you will die.

THE END.

The Official Flag of the bang ban Liberation Army

2009-09-17T13:30:00.004-04:00

With this flag flying over our heads we are going to free ourselves from the opression of the king of the internet. Join us in 2011 on the splinternet.

(No SSubbjjeecctt)

2009-09-15T11:40:00.001-04:00

What's the deal with fish tacos?

YETI ATTACK!

2009-09-01T10:00:00.002-04:00

Welcome II

2009-09-01T09:43:00.002-04:00

The second rule of Burrito Town

always present burrito with two hands before consumption.

Things Animals Would Say To Each Other

2009-08-26T12:04:00.023-04:00

I am excited to introduce a new segment I like to call Things Things Would Say To Each Other! Let's get into it.

Today's topic: Animals

Bear to Bee:

"If you sting me, Ima fuckin' eat your house."

Figure 1: Bear about to eat a house

Deer to another Deer:

"Faster! Faster, Bambi! Don't look back! Keep running! Keep running!"

Figure 2: The hunter's point of view. BAM!

Giraffe to Titmouse:
"Really?"

Figure 3: Giraffe asking the question, "Really?"

Rabbit to Deer:
"'Eating greens is a special treat, It makes long ears and great big feet. But it sure is awful stuff to eat.' I made that last part up myself."

Figure 4: That line sounds so much creepier with this picture attached.

Fox to Titmouse:

"No, seriously, really?"

Figure 5: Fox trying to understand where the name comes from by looking at it from different angles.

Sperm Whale to Blue Whale:
"Cheer up buddy, at least you aren't shaped like a refrigerator box."

Figure 6: Sperm whale in its natural habitat. The ocean.

Yet Another Random Animal to Titmouse:
"You don't look anything like I expected...or hoped for."

Figure 7: Titmouse not looking like what I dreamed about last night.

Cat to Dog:
"Meow."

Figure 8: Cat speaking in its native tongue.

Bear to Human:
"If you sting me, Ima fuckin' eat your house."

Figure 9: Bear about to eat YOUR house. Watch out, dick.

Bang-Ban's Bang Bang Fighting Guide

2009-08-25T10:01:00.007-04:00

You've all been waiting...

Now here it is...

The Bang-Ban Bang Bang Fighting Guide to Ultimate Fighting Power (Part 1 of a fucking billion)

Many people nowadays find themselves in situations in which they need to fight. Whether it is fighting off potential suitors, or fighting your emotions, fighting ability has scientifically been proven to be four-thousand times more necessary now than 12 months ago.

The problem is, with computers and Vespas, the average American citizen has become so complacent that they could not even fight a subpoena. BUT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE AN AMERICAN CITIZEN.

Fig 1. A strangle hold

BASIC RULES

There are 3 important rules to fighting, and 4 rules that are not important. We will go over a mix of these rules.

Fig 2. Possible fighting haircuts

RULE #1 TO FIGHTING

Never back down from a fight unless you could get punched in the face and/or crotch.

RULE #2 TO FIGHTING

Never fight in self defense, that is the greatest sign of weakness.

RULE #3 TO FIGHTING

Don't just beat your enemy physically, dazzle them.

RULE #4 TO FIGHTING

Sometimes, talking about fighting takes more strength than actually fighting.

FIGHTING STYLES

The best way to find a fighting style is to pick an animal. What does it do? What are its fears? Who does it fraternize with? If you have no real-life examples, just make a best guess. Knowledge is not necessary for sweet fighting skills. Here are some examples if you are really stupid.

Bear Style

Fight campers by sitting on their tents and eating their garbage

Fig 3. Putting armor on animals makes them randy

Wolf Style

Fuck yes, good style, wolfs are fucking awesome and they are so cool.

Tiger Style

DON'T FIGHT YOU ARE ENDANGERED

MORE TO COME. STAY POWERFUL!

Horoscopes for Friday 8/21

2009-08-20T21:56:00.002-04:00

Leo

Summer becomes Fall, and a young boy's fancy turns to love. You have a strong connection with Gemini. Go out and get 'em, tiger.

Sagittarius

Mars is in retrograde, so your professional troubles may be turning themselves around. Look for opportunities that you might have missed.

Aries

Mars is in retrograde, so friendships strengthened now will be stronger than ever. Call up that old boyfriend/girlfriend whose heart you broke and rekindle that friendship. You will be welcomed with open arms.

Taurus

Mars is in retrograde, so sell those bond futures and invest in pork bellies. I guarantee a 200% increase in 3/4ths of your portfolio within 8 months.

Gemini

Look out! Tiger attack!

Cancer

You have a continual need to be challenged so don't be afraid to make a change at work. You are adventurous but be careful not to crowd your partner. You are compatible with a Dragon or a Horse and are incompatible with a Goat or an Ox.

Born Today

Be careful of audacity. Just as your recent success does not give you free reign to break the rules at work, similarly, just because it's your birthday does not mean you get a special horoscope. You're a Leo. Deal with it. Also, there will be a nice cake waiting for you today.

My Glorious Return From Greece is Complete. This is how it went.

2009-08-16T09:30:00.001-04:00

kill yo phone

2009-08-11T11:00:00.000-04:00

Motha fuckas guide to killin yo phone

STEP ONE:

FIND YO PHONE

STEP TWO:

KILL YO PHONE

bitch

Movie Spoilers!

2009-08-08T17:57:00.005-04:00

The statute of limitations on movie spoilers is 29 years after the movie has been released. Here are movie spoilers for movies made before 1990. (WARNING: spoilers ahead!)

Steel Magnolias

- It turns out that Sarah is the cyber-techno hacker that everyone has been talking about. By masking all her IPs simultaneously, she was able to hide from the E-Police. In the end, Sarah commits suicide by jumping into a vat of acid and Dr. Zarket reveals that her locket holds the key to curing the mutated frogs on the international space station.

The Great Gatsby

-It was Prof. Plum in the drawing room with the lead pipe.

A spoiler for this movie was written by the great prophet F. Scott Fitzgerald in 1925, 49 years before the release of the film. In fact, Fitzgerald wrote many such famous movie spoilers until his death in 1926, when he was burned at the stake by the local townspeople for witchcraft.

The Graduate

He Graduates.

Boy, George!

2009-08-06T21:56:00.004-04:00

George Washington's birthday is February 22nd. To commemorate his birthday, here's a picture of George Washington I found.

Fig. Newton: A portrait of George Washington immediately after he won the Battle of Hastings. Here, he is depicted as regal and elegant, wearing the colors that would become symbolic of America and freedom. In this picture, he is seen carrying some weird dude on his back against his will.

The $1,000,000 bill was created in an effort to pay Bill Gates' salary. However, he immediately denounced the bill when he realized that most strip clubs couldn't make change.

Swan Boats

2009-08-04T23:13:00.008-04:00

People pay good money to ride a boat that shares some features in common with a swan. This business model almost failed after The Great Swanning of 1812 caused public backlash against swans.

The swan was not arbitrarily chosen as swans are the purest form of fuel known to mankind, and it is their burning flesh that fuels the furnace of each ship.

It is a well known fact that burning five swans releases the same amount of energy as a nuclear bomb. In a famous stroke of brilliance, it was Einstein who first suggested that we drop a bevy of swans on the Red Menace. It was only the extreme jealously that Oppenheimer and Bohr experienced when Einstein proposed a swan cannon first that prevented this idea's fruition. Although Einstein is the first person on record to formally posit the possibility of a nuclear swan strike, historians have theorized that the first use of the technology was used to turn the tides on the British in the war of 1812.

Swans swim in a row as they line up to be burned. Their noble sacrifices will not be forgotten as their charred remains will nobly be sacrificed to shuttle tens of passengers around a tiny pond for 15 minutes.

The Admiral is responsible for coordinating the actions of the entire swan fleet. Before his promotion, he was a Captain of an oil tanker who fought off Somali pirates with his bare moustache.

A daguerreotype taken of two passengers after their ride on a swan boat. The ride seems to have had the effect of giving them added confidence and increasing their problem solving skills two-fold. Also, it turned the woman into a slut.

It's Time For a Vacation!

2009-08-04T17:23:00.003-04:00

Well, I am leaving for Greece in a few minutes. All I ask is that bang ban be as glorious as the last time someone went on vacation. If I come back and it isn't the #1 blog on the internet anymore then you will have to answer to Rocco (as seen below). And he just woke up from his nap. AND he is going to be pissed.

Figure 1: This is in fact not Rocco, but a picture of myself from the future after single-handedly conquering Greece. As you can see I have added some muscle mass after long battles with the locals. To them I am known as the Tyrant with a Heart of Shadowy Gold Who Bears Presents and Makes It Rain Surreal Hellfire. At least, I believe that is the translation. Oh and I got those trunks for $4 at a flea market. How cool is that?

Star wars in 3-D 4-D!

2009-07-29T16:52:00.016-04:00

A few years ago, George Lucas stated in news articles that he would like to rerelease all six Star Wars films in 3-D. However, in this increasingly, futuristic age, to stay one step ahead of the competition, Lucas is now skipping 3-D and rereleasing the films direct to 4-D.

Here's a quote that George Lucas never said:

"With technology seemingly doubling every fortnight, we've got to stay one step ahead of these Star Trek bastards. The new Star Trek film made $100 billion dollars and that was just in 2-D. Lucasfilm scientists have estimated that by showing the original Star Wars films in twice the number of dimensions, we should make approximately twice the amount of money."

All six movies will be released in reverse, on consecutive days, each one showing for only one day. You will have to purchase the special 4-D glasses separately at participating theatres.

Fig. 1 - Specialized 4-D glasses created for this special event (with bonus pirate cutlass)

This will be a brand-new experience for most moviegoers, who traditionally watch movies in 2-D. Some have speculated that since no person has ever experienced reality in four dimensions that the legitimacy and the comprehensibility of the movies remain in question. For example, even a simple cube in 4-D has many extra lines in it, making it hardly recognizable from the simple, Platonic shape we all fall asleep dreaming about.

Fig. 2 - The 4-D cube I dreamt about last night

Here at bang-ban, we were lucky enough to preview two minutes from "Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back: Special Edition: in 4-D." Although Lucas has made no major changes to this version, the four dimensional aspect of this new version has caused some subtle changes to the familiar storyline. To illustrate some differences in the 4-D releases, we're going to describe what we saw during the scene where Han is frozen in carbonite:

---------------------------------------------

The scene opens in the carbon freezing chamber. Vader walks in. Boba Fett asks "What will happen if he doesn't survive?" to which Vader responds "The Empire will compensate you if he dies." Chewbacca then freaks out and brutally rapes two nearby stormtroopers. Han calms down Chewie and gives Leia one of his sex looks. Han then folds his body inside out through the fourth dimension and Leia shares a passionate kiss with the inside of Han's organs. Leia says "I love you" and Han, through his meat-folds, replies "I know you do, baby."

Fig. 3 - Han Solo tries to escape through the fourth dimension.

Han is then lowered into the carbon freezing chamber, is frozen, and then his carbon-frozen body comes out. The scene ends as the camera pans to Boba Fett and Vader, both with naked, except for their helmets, holding hands ever so gently.

Fig. 4 - In the 4-D version, the carbon freezing process replaces Han's arms and legs with sticks of butter and his torso with a baked potato. Jabba eats well tonight!

---------------------------------------------

So there you have it. Hopefully, these new releases will continue the tradition of these fine films and give our current generation of youngsters the experience of seeing a new version of these classic films for the fifth or sixth time.

Fig. 5 - Promotional photo from the 4-D release. Top row (left to right): Luke Skywalker, Leia, Han Solo, Lando Calrissian. Bottom row (left to right): R2-D2, Yoda, Darth Vader. Missing from photo: Boba Fett, Chewbacca.

Fortune Cookies

2009-07-17T15:09:00.002-04:00

I have been quite busy lately and have not posted in a while. So instead of writing a long in depth picturestory (as I decided just now that I like to call them) about something hilarious, I decided that I would start off slowly and simply touch base with two of my favorite fortune cookie messages that I have come across in my travels recently.

1) "The change you started already have far-reaching effects. Be Ready."

Grammar be damned, this fortune cookie is about one thing and one thing only. Be ready. Always be ready. This is why I now spend my life in an athletic stance while constantly surveying my surroundings.

2) "Loving is sharing rainbows of happiness."

I'm not even sure where to start with this one. Frankly, it sounds like something you would see on bang ban preceeded by a picture of rainbows exploding from a smiling carebear's stomach. The post would probably be titled something along the lines of "How to Fight a Bear". ferd and/or Thorsberg, get on this.

Star Trek 2 Set Photos

2009-07-15T14:03:00.004-04:00

Oh hey, it's William Shatner, back as Captain Kirk. Hurrah!

Oh man, this guy is pissed.

RECEIVE MY SEED!!!

Kirk: cheeks full and yanking it with two hands.

With his detachable penis in hand, will Kirk be able to fight off that creepy guy in the background?

To Be Continued...

OH MAN, RIGHT IN THE CHEST!!!

LIKE ACID, IT BURNS!!!

Two Kirks, One Khan.

OR

Two Kirks, a Khan, and a pizza place.

OR

KHAAAAANNNN!!!

Superman Rides a Bike!

2009-07-13T11:03:00.007-04:00

Superman rides a bike!

Holy shit look how fast he is going!

Lois Lane thinks he's the coolest!

Superman won the race! Everyone is cheering.

Goat attack?!

Into space... freedom from the media!

THE END

A survey of 90s sitcoms

2009-07-06T18:59:00.006-04:00

The 90s were a great time for sitcoms on television. Now let's take some time to look back at these legendary programs.

Saved by the Bell

A show about six high school students who were constantly hounded and sexually abused by the principal, Mr. Belding. One day, they discover the bell of Leonardo Da Vinci, which can become...a bigger bell...with a face. This bell becomes their champion and battles the sexual-predator-of-the-week while continually fending off Belding's advances with his rainbow death ray.

It was followed by "Saved by the Bell: the College Years," which was the same show, but set in college. There was also "Saved by the Bell: the new class" where the bell is handed down to a group of incoming freshman. The freshman, so shocked the first time they see the bell's true form, bury it deep underground. Every episode is a 30 minute dramatic monologue of the buried bell's thoughts. This show was cancelled after only 1 episode, where the bell wonders about the weather.

Suddenly Susan

In every episode, amateur magician Susan Lucci would enter each scene in cloud of smoke while shouting the show's title. However, when a printing error in the pilot omitted a crucial comma, this show went from a hilarious premise to grammatically incorrect. Most conscientious viewers, confused and frightened by the lack of proper, syntactic structure, quickly tuned off.

Full House

Compulsive gambler Danny Tanner, while playing a high stakes game of 7-card stud, loses all of his money and more when rival Jesse Katsopolis reveals he has a full house, beating Danny's three aces. Heavy in debt, Jesse makes him an offer he probably could have refused, but doesn't. Jesse murders Danny's wife and threatens the lives of his three daughters unless he gives Jesse a place to live. He is introduced as "Uncle Jesse" so as not to arouse suspicion from the girls. As a now single father, the working Danny brings in his best friend from high school, ex-navy seal Jospeh Gage, to watch Jesse during the day and to protect the girls. He takes on the persona of comedian Joey Gladstone so as to not arouse suspicion from Jesse. The three men live everyday in a delicate balance, knowing that the slightest incident could result in their deaths.

The full house shown in the opening sequence. The three queens represent Danny, Jesse, and Joey. The show lasted 87 episodes and was canceled before the grand finale when oldest daughter DJ was to discover Jesse's true identity, murder him in his sleep, and run away to Mexico with Joey .

Allow me to introduce myself!

2009-07-06T11:58:00.003-04:00

Hi! I've recently been invited to post on bang ban, so I thought I'd introduce myself.

My name is Thorsberg and I am a communist killer-robot who has traveled back in time from the 2nd USSR in the 342nd decade. Back then in the future, I didn't get any of the cool assignments; my job mostly consisted of filing paperwork against the neo-republicans as killer-robot racism was in full swing (as it would be until 3460 when the 200,000th amendment to the Articles of Confederation outlawed killer-robot racism and gave women the right to vote, again).

While sent on an undercover mission to mine for raw Gallium in the heart of democratic Cuba, I discovered an old VHS copy of "Back to the Future III." After renting the last VCR on Earth for one million space dollars, I watched that old movie and was inspired to travel back in time and do something great.

Six years later, I had finally scrapped together enough money and spare parts to build my own version of a Delorean. I drove that thing up to 88 mph, straight to the nearest time travel agent to buy a ticket for 2009.

Fig. 1. - A wholly inaccurate reenactment.

My interests involve hot pepper flakes, transistor radios, and gender bias. I believe strongly in the principles of Gor and white slavery.

I dislike any prime number of teenagers with attitude, Razor scooters, and bloggers.

I hope you all hate my contributions to this blog. That would make me happy.

New Porn Ideas

2009-07-01T15:28:00.010-04:00

The following are my ideas for a way to spice up those tired porn websites. These are new themes which could be explored to arouse both the sexes.

1) Casual Casual Sex

People talk about mundane things that happened during their day while fornicating.

Example:

A man and a lady are engaged in some heavy petting. The man mounts the lady while proclaiming, "I saw some nice plates at Crate and Barrel earlier." The lady, who has been completely quiet so far responds, "Are those the ones with the flowers? They would go nice with our glasses." The man thrust his love into her and casually states, "That's true." And they're spent.

Figure 1: "Oh yeah, let's not forget to pick up 3 of those fucked up red eggs while we're out!"

2) Fantasy Sex...wait I meant Fantasy Baseball Sex

Pretty much the same as the above except more angry name calling and slightly more discussion about whether or not J.D. Drew is waiver wire material. Slightly.

Figure 2: I'll trade you Drew for Ryan Ludw-ugh wait I need to finish...Ryan Ludwick. We're good.

3) Sexting

The media has been building this up as the newest craze and it needs to be capitalized on. There's some money to be made here. This site would have two people texting sexy messages until they climax. They may or may not need to be in the same room.

Example:
"r u bang me?"
"yes n bt"
"orgsm"
"i orgsm 2!"

Figure 3: "hi baby. u lk sex n prkn g?"

4) Transformer Sex

Watch as Bumblebee takes a new form as a trailer and hitches himself to the back of Optimus Prime. THEN Jazz drives in and out of the back of Bumblebee's open trailer. This is getting you hot just thinking about it, isn't it?

Figure 4: This accurately describes in picture form what I wrote above.

House Cleaning: Response

2009-07-01T15:15:00.002-04:00

I certainly don't know why you would delete my art. This blog tells a story. A story of the lives of people. You just removed the chapters that describe my formative years. This is indeed disturbing. I was under the impression that this was America, comrade. On this, the week of July 4th, the day of our independence, you dare bring your tyranny to my house!

PS That was a good essay. I don't know why you would take such greatness away from the masses.

And now for the obligatory nonsensical/confusing picture:

House Cleaning -or- I am back and what is this shit

2009-07-01T11:00:00.005-04:00

The following posts have been deleted:

You Will All Read the College Essay I Found on my Hard Drive
Really? This is what it has come to?

Anybody? Anybody?

The People Have Spoken
I'm leaving the Fantasy Baseball Post to stand by itself, as a constant reminder that I am your king. Also, I like the picture.

Dear ferd, This Bitch is Official Killed...or not?!?!

2009-06-26T17:11:00.006-04:00

In honor of our long lost brother ferd I have created this masterpiece. I don't believe there has ever been a more appropriate homage to his work.

Nuni's Big Day

2009-06-20T14:03:00.003-04:00

There have been some crazy rumors that bang ban has been quickly going down hill. Well I have a response to that. A very strong response indeed...NUNI'S BIG DAY!

The best parts are the horrified expressions whilst she flies through the air.

Fantasy Baseball

2009-06-19T09:52:00.002-04:00

I have decided that since ferd is away fantasy baseball is now a topic which should be posted about constantly. However, I am willing to put this to a vote. Leave a comment whether or not you want me to create a new post in which I list off all of the players that are currently killing my team. I guess we usually have pictures up in here so I suppose the following will entertain you. I wouldn't want to diminish the integrity of bang ban.

Sprinkle the Flour.

2009-06-15T22:12:00.002-04:00

Freedom

2009-06-12T17:24:00.002-04:00

ferd is away. That means it's time for introspective thoughts and somber moments amongst friends. In other words...PARTY!

on a boat.

(Arnold voice) I need a vacation!!

2009-06-12T14:11:00.003-04:00

Would this blog exist without google image search: clip art? Probably not!

(Arnold voice) I'll Be Back
(Not Arnold voice) in two weeks to delete everything posted in my absence

Apology Accepted...Hopefully!

2009-06-08T09:21:00.003-04:00

After being severely reprimanded, I would like to offer a political and completely forced apology. My recent actions in which I labeled bang ban as being not “just about silly nonsense” was wholly inaccurate and had the negative effect of tarnishing the brand. I meant no harm by posting pretty images without irrational or absurd commentary immediately preceding or following it. I hope that you will allow me to continue to post without all the constant hate mail and threats.

My sincerest apologies,
The Money Train

Now Enjoy a goat.

correction

2009-06-05T14:13:00.005-04:00

In a previous post, it was stated that "we aren't just about silly nonsense." This is incorrect. Bang-ban apologizes for the error. The writer involved will be banned from using a computer once I figure out what his greatest weakness is.

Fig. 1: Eat your vegetables, except for the gross ones.

A Little Art for a Little You

2009-06-03T17:00:00.006-04:00

Here at bang ban we aren't just about silly nonsense. Here's some purty photography for you. I took this a few weeks ago in Natick. You can probably click on it or something to see a giant version of it.

Movie Reviews by a Person who has seen the Poster

2009-06-01T10:19:00.011-04:00

NOW IN THEATERS

In this delightful 3D DIGITAL romp by Pixar, an cyborg house designed by the military becomes sentient and begins a wanton path of destruction through the country. When traditional means of destroying the house fail, it is up to a fat Chinese kid and Martin Sheen to stop it. Along the way they meet a dog and some clouds, and the Chinese kid teaches everyone about the importance of regular exercise.

Grade: A+

Star Trek

Star Trek, the classic franchise, is reborn in this breathtaking special-effects laden extravaganza. Three alien frat brothers have been chosen by the Galactic Counsel to save Vegatron-5 from a hostile takeover by beautiful, swarthy fem-aliens. Crispen Glover, who plays the Space-Elf of the trio, spends all of his on-screen time staring directly into the camera. The movie culminates in a 70's-style dance off, which somehow ends up saving the world from the sexiest invasion ever.

Grade: A+

NOW ON DVD

Paul Blart: Mall Cop

In one of the most poignant pieces of film making in recent memory, Paul Blart follows the story of a recently laid-off security guard who has trouble readjusting to his unfortunate circumstances. Throughout his journey of emotional turmoil and self discovery, he explores not only the specifics of his own condition, but much broader themes of post-modern alienation and intra-societal class struggles. Kevin James provides a brilliant, nuanced performance, highlighted by a scene in which he propels his Segway using only his farts.

Grade: A+

It's Mad Libs Time!

2009-05-31T10:08:00.000-04:00

This starts a series of Mad Libs that are made by real people (very few computers were involved to maximize hilarity). The text in bold are the fill in words. Please enjoy the madness.

Elizabeth the First

Elizabeth, the Tudor Jaw of England, was probably the moistest ruler the British ever had. Elizabeth was the daughter of Henry the Eigth and Anne Boleyn. Later, Anne had her bajingo chopped off by Henry.

Elizabeth was born in 1533 and became queen when she was 25. She was a fruity Protestant and persecuted the lovely Catholics frankly. In 1588, the Chinese armada attacked England. But the English fleet, commanded by Lindsay Lohan and Burt Reynolds, defeated them. Elizabeth ruled for 45 years, and during her reign England prospered and produced Shakespeare, Francis Bacon, and Nate Shapiro. Elizabeth never married, which is why she is sometimes called the Thick Queen.

Comments on todays lesson:

1) I am not sure how one goes about "chopping" off a bajingo. It just seems logistically it would be difficult. Now it had been "sawing" or "crunching" or "removing" that would be one thing.

2) It seems like it would have been tough in 1588 for the Chinese armada to attack England. Half the men would have died of scurvy. This just doesn't seem right to me.

3) In case you didn't know, Lindsay Lohan and Burt Reynolds have not aged. Pictures of them doing so have simply been altered. They are like fucking Hancock and shit.

4) I've never met a Queen quite like the Thick Queen.

Have any further comments or thoughts about today's history lesson? Feel free to leave them in the comments section.

SMARTEST PHONE PRESS RELEASE

2009-05-18T22:05:00.000-04:00

Check out the latest smart phone, it's called the SmartestPhone!

Is life currently too difficult? Do you barely function? It is probably because your phone lacks the intelligence to keep up with your sexy lifestyle. YOU COULD BE HOT AND HAVE A HOT PHONE AND YOUR LIFE COULD BE STORED IN THE PHONE.

Why do you even leave your house

HOLY SHIT!!!

Can you believe it's even called a phone? I definitely cannot believe it's called a phone. It probably should not be called a phone, that is insulting. It has more features than a space shuttle and provides better conversation than most of your friends. You can store the most important parts of your friends in this phone and slowly replace them. Do as the phone tells you.

Features

- blog about it!
- Google the web for twitter
- look at pictures of friends and of dogs
- HEY KIDS... TEXTING!?
- Touch all of it at once, or not at all

- Auto-call your parents when you get pregnant*

* (phone may be the father)

Upgrade to the Smartestphone and upgrade your life. Pick the color that is right for you, or risk shaming your family.

iNVERTED cOLORS

2009-05-08T13:46:00.000-04:00

This is the post in which we show what pictures would look like if you inverted their colors!

OOO Bluish Robot! Is that oil you spew?

Is that the gay Blue Hulk? In front of the Doppelgänger gay Blue Hulk? Does he know he's there?

PRETTY (inverted) BIRD WITH A CONE

Those are some pretty colors. They remind me of the ones in my nightmares.

Oh wait, where did my soul go? Oh she collects them in the bottom of the bag she lives in. You win this round.

Well that concludes today's session and the free portion of our iNVERTED cOLORS blog. For further posts like this please send me like $20 or something. Yeah.

House is on FIRE!

2009-05-06T23:47:00.000-04:00

Pause for reflection

2009-05-06T16:33:00.002-04:00

Sometimes we don't get to express ourselves as often as we like. The passion is still there, but life interferes. Yet, the blog lives and we persevere.

MORE SOON????

...!

2009-05-06T16:33:00.001-04:00

sports are f***ing the worst

Guess who is returning for the C's tonight!

2009-05-06T08:51:00.000-04:00

You all thought it was retired. Too battle damaged and thread worn to be taken outside of the house. In fact it has not seen the light of day since the playoffs last year nor has it been washed in years. It was merely slumbering. Waiting for the day that it would be needed the most. It calls to me as it has called to many generations of my family. This shirt has been passed down through the ages, empowering my people with the strength of a thousand Ginos. Today. Today is the day that it mocks the Magic bench as it brings a firestorm of threes upon them. Oh you Magic, the Loom of Fate has called your name. Your destiny is to be but dust settling in the wake of the Celtics triumph.

Caption Contest Winner: My Future Wife

2009-04-28T10:44:00.000-04:00

Last week we took our cat for a walk outside. Results were mixed. Also, there wasn't a contest.

Sports!

2009-04-24T16:57:00.000-04:00

This is what baseball used to look like. The guy on the left was the GM of the Red Sox...Let me repeat that as you stare at this man, the guy on the left ran the entire organization. I honestly can't tell you how often I look at this picture. It is...perplexing. There is some sort of weird allure to it.

I think there a few things that I need to analyze further.

1) The Duke is clearly sneaking in on this picture right? look at his legs. He is in motion. Now perhaps they are all moving forward and this was a staged shot (which would be weird in itself right?) but even so you can't convince me that The Duke isn't moving faster to get into this.

2) Dan Duquette didn't dress himself did he? He looks like he was dressed by his mom based on the general attire and the pant waist to real human waist difference. The most alarming thing has to be the Little League baseball photoshoot hat he has going on. I'm not even sure that thing is physically touching his head.

3) Do you notice how Jim Rice is repelled by Duquette? Not necessarily on an emotional or personal level, but simply on a physical world level. His upper half is uncontrollably being pushed away. I may need a number of human-sized magnets to investigate this further.

4) Does Duquette look real to you? I think he could be a robot. I don't see any genuine emotion in those eyes. It's like he learned how to smile after seeing it enough times on TV. I can't quite put my finger on it, but he may be some sort of robot or a yetti in a man suit.

In conclusion, The Duke appears to be a sneaky 8 year old reverse magnet robot yetti man. We're through the looking glass here people.

Thanks for everything

2009-04-23T15:11:00.001-04:00

Thoughtful Musings

2009-04-22T12:17:00.001-04:00

There is an uncomfortable first time for everything

2009-04-22T11:13:00.000-04:00

THIS IS MY FIRST BLOGGER EVER! I FOUND A PICTURE OF CATS ON THE TUBES!

Prime Time is Rhyme Time

2009-04-21T18:49:00.000-04:00

Thanks to the invention of blogs and music theory, rhyming has become an intrinsic part of modern life. Whether you are attempting to woo a local shop girl, or attending a spirited sporting event, you will inevitably encounter a situation in which rhyming is not only appropriate, but expected. Here are some of the most common rhyming errors that you must avoid in order to be accepted by your peers as equal.

One potato, two potato, three potato, four. Five potato, six potato, seven potato more.

Markov's Potato Theorem states that only 7 potatoes can exist in a location at a given time, making the "more" absurd and vulgar.

Figure 1: A doctored photograph

April power brings May flowers.

Should be "showers", not "power". April is by far the least powerful month.

Figure 2: Totally Gay

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

The average person needs to be fooled three times before feeling shame. Also, does not rhyme.

Figure 3: Shameful behavior